


His Significant Annoyance

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst, Denial, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-28 12:44:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10101353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: Perry Cox is confident and self-assured, but behind his inflated ego, he’s hiding a secret.  A secret which will come to light when he meets his newest intern.





	1. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

              The day had finally arrived; a day that Perry had come to very much dread.  Today, the brand new interns who were just as incompetent as they were clueless would file into the hospital and begin wreaking havoc.  Havoc, as it turned out, was not on a list of Perry’s favorite things.  In fact, that morning, he decided that havoc was on a list of his _least_ favorite things, especially havoc caused by interns who had no business touching the critically ill patients he was trying so desperately to keep alive.  He knew Sacred Heart was, first and foremost, a teaching hospital, but until the interns really came into their own – and there would be some of that them that never would – it was a constant cycle of checking and rechecking their orders, making sure they ran the right tests, and inevitably shouldering the consequences when they lost a patient.  It was not a time of year that Perry looked forward to in the least.  He knew the time would come when he would be able to tell which of them had potential to be good doctors – or even passable ones – and when the ones who would truly shine began to pull away from the rest of the pack, leaving the weaker, far less competent interns just trying to stay afloat.  That time, however, could not come soon enough.

              Perry was noticeably in a more foul mood than usual that morning when he walked up to the nurses’ station, a chart in hand.  He was grumbling to himself and scribbling notes on it when Carla walked up to him from behind the counter.

              “What’s got your panties in a bunch?” she asked, arching a single eyebrow at him.

              Perry disliked the expression on her face; Carla often made him feel like she knew more about him than she let on and as a fairly private person, this made him uncomfortable.  “You know damn well what,” he muttered, barely pausing to look up at her.

              Perry could practically _hear_ Carla roll her eyes in response.  “I don’t know why you make such a big deal out of the interns every year,” she said, shrugging.  “They have to learn somehow and since you think you’re the greatest doctor who ever lived, why shouldn’t they learn from you?”

              “Be _cause_ ,” Perry replied, his tone scathing, “interns want me to hold their hands and pat them on the back when they do something that anyone off the street could do.  Hell, the heroin addict down the hall is probably better at finding a vein than you are.”

              “Hey,” Carla chided, raising a finger at Perry.  “I am good at my job.  But, back to the point, maybe this year you should do things differently and take a special interest in a few of the interns.  It’d probably get Kelso off your back and you could craft your own personal doctors.”  For effect, she wiggled her fingers dramatically.

              Perry snorted and put his chart back.  “Save your breath, Carla,” he told her, dismissing her efforts.  “You and I both know that this intern class won’t be any different than the ones before it.  They’ll all be incompetent and terrified and yet somehow have an unbridled sense of optimism that has no place in a hospital. They always waltz in here thinking they can save everyone and when they finally realize that’s _not_ the way things work, they’re crushed and I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces.”

              “I’m glad to see the new shrink is helping,” Carla said, shaking her head as she turned back to her work.

              Perry stormed off toward his next patient’s room, having had more than enough of Carla’s lecturing.  How could anyone blame him for hating the interns?  Behind it all was his determination that his patients got the best care possible and therefore the best _chance_ at fighting whatever had landed them in the hospital in the first place.  Interns were a recipe for disaster; it didn’t matter if they froze up when a patient coded or if they wrote a prescription for the wrong dosage or even if they got too attached to a patient.  It always ended the same way, with the responsibility of their mistakes and their poor decisions resting on Perry’s shoulders.

              He almost envied the interns for that.  They didn’t actually have to deal with the consequences when something went wrong.  If they made it to their first year of residency, things would gradually start to change, but Perry had been on his own as a doctor for a long time.  It had been a simpler time when he hadn’t been forced to make life-or-death decisions at the drop of a hat or explain to a family why a treatment method hadn’t worked.

              “Mr. Boyce, how are we today?” Perry asked in a gruff voice as he strode into the room, breaking out of his thoughts.  He picked up the chart from the end of the bed and looked over all the information.

              “I’ve been better,” Mr. Boyce sighed.  “Being in a hospital and all.”

              “Right,” Perry said absently, still perusing the chart.  “Well, it looks like your condition is improving so I’ll do my best to get you out of here just as soon as I can.”

              “Thank you, Dr. Cox,” he said gratefully.

              Perry nodded and placed the chart back at the end of the bed, pleased with what he’d seen.  “I’ll check in on you later and we’ll reevaluate,” he told Mr. Boyce before walking briskly out of the room.

              As he walked down the hall, Perry considered Carla’s words on the subject of interns.  Was he wrong to dismiss them all from the start?  Having been a doctor for as long as he had, he easily decided that no, he was not wrong.  In his past experience, in which he put a lot of stock, there had been precious few interns who had turned out not to be completely terrible at their jobs.  They were all murderers, of course, and had gotten some good, clean kills before they really fell into step at the hospital.  But it was inevitable – the good ones always ended up leaving the hospital for a better job or for a cushy private practice gig.  One way or another, they always disappointed Perry.

              The next room Perry walked into was that of a regular patient of his, who had a specialty for choosing very inconvenient times for his condition to worsen.  He was unfazed when he saw an intern in the room with Carla, looking wide-eyed and very unsure of himself.  At least he wasn’t crying.  Yet.

              The moment the nameless intern saw Perry, he opened his mouth.  “Hi, Doctor, I’m –”

              “Place an I.V. for me,” Perry interrupted.  He couldn’t have cared less what the intern’s name was.  All he wanted him to do was his job; he had no interest in idle chit-chat.  His eyes lingered on the kid long enough to take in his appearance: crisp, brand new blue scrubs (he’d no doubt laid them out the night and taken extra care not to wrinkle them), styled brown hair that was quite frankly obnoxious, and big, blue eyes that held a certain optimistic innocence.  Just the sight of him irritated Perry.

              “We’ll talk later,” the intern mumbled as he bent over the patient’s arm, needle in hand.

              Perry went about checking the patient’s chart, which indicated there had been no change in his condition.  He’d figured as much.  “Carla, can I ask you a personal question?” he asked casually, glancing up at her.  “Do you spray the perfume on or just fill up your bathtub and splash around in it?”

              Carla, of course, looked unaffected, but Perry didn’t miss the look of shock on the intern’s face. “I smell nice,” Carla retorted.

              Perry waited a few more moments before whistling loudly, causing the intern to jump.  He had no time to stand around and wait for the kid to muster up the courage to touch another human being.  “Time’s up.  Carla, would you do it for him, please?  I also need an A.B.G.”

              “Why are you telling her?” the intern questioned, looking taken aback at the speed with which everything had just happened.  Perry shuddered to think what he’d be like during a code.

              “Shut up and watch,” Perry spat, wondering if he was doomed to have an intern with the least amount of potential out of all of them.  It would figure.

              “Be nice to Bambi,” Carla scolded as she effortlessly placed an I.V. in the patient’s arm.

              “Why does this gomer got to try and die every day during _my_ lunch?” Perry lamented aloud, ignoring Carla’s pet name for the kid.  No need for her to go getting attached if he was going to get flung out of here faster than Carla could find a vein.

              “That’s a little insensitive,” the intern mumbled.

              Perry lifted his head and glared at him.  He was pleased to find the look had the desired effect with the way the intern cowered and shrank back. “Man’s ninety-two years old, he has full dementia, he doesn’t even know we’re here, he’s _inches_ from Carla’s rack and hasn’t even _flinched_.”

              “Aww, that is so sweet,” Carla said sarcastically.

              Perry nodded.  “Yeah, it is.”

              “What about his subconscious?” the intern continued.  Perry could hardly believe he hadn’t gotten the picture yet.

              To further prove his point, Perry leaned over the patient.  “Eisenhower was a sissy,” he whispered into the man’s ear.  Despite his words eliciting no reaction whatsoever, he straightened and put his fists up, as if ready for a fight.  “I think by the grace of _god_ we’re gonna be okay.  Oh, and from now on, whenever I’m in the room, you’re _definitely_ not allowed to talk.”  With that, he stormed out of the room.

              He was already certain he knew what kind of doctor this kid would be.  He would be the sensitive type, the kind that got too close with his patients and would cry when they kicked the bucket.  He’d learn the hard way that doctors can’t be _friends_ with their patients.  That frustrated Perry more than anything.  He could handle clueless interns and interns who were terrified to even speak around him.  He could handle them because he knew they would either get a grip or they wouldn’t make it.  It was as simple as that.

              But this intern… Perry couldn’t put his finger on it just yet, but something about him frustrated Perry more than usual.  Maybe it was because he’d questioned Perry’s tactics or seemed so chipper and ready to learn, but it wasn’t like interns hadn’t had those attributes before.  He felt certain he would figure it out before the day was through.

             

              Several hours and three more frustratingly obnoxious encounters with the intern later, who Perry had learned was named JD – what that stood for, he had no idea, nor did he care – saw Perry leaning against the nurses’ station, dreading the rest of his shift.  He turned his head and saw Kelso making a beeline for him.

              “Bob,” Perry said in a sarcastically jovial greeting.  “Looking as cantankerous as always.”

              “Shut up, Perry,” Kelso muttered.  “They’re bringing up a patient for you.”

              “Tell me, Bob,” he said, dismissing what Kelso had just told him, “what are the criteria for choosing interns nowadays?  Because it seems to me that you’re just tossing names in a hat and picking a dozen or so.”

              “Ha, ha,” Kelso replied, his tone just as sarcastic as Perry’s.  “Figure out how to deal with them – they’re your problem now.”  He walked away, humming serenely to himself.

              Perry growled and turned to Carla.  “Page Newbie and follow me.”

              The two of them hurried over to an empty bed where paramedics were wheeling in a man on a gurney.  He was covered in blood and there were multiple cuts and scratches on his face.  On the count of three, Perry, Carla, and the paramedics transferred him onto the bed and Perry began surveying the man’s injuries.  Moments later, JD came rushing up to the bed, breathless.

              “Car accident,” Carla said, relaying the information from the paramedics.  “Crashed in the elevator on the way up.”  She pulled an oxygen mask over the man’s face as JD had the good sense to open the man’s shirt, leaving his chest bare. 

              Perry made the to leave the situation up to JD.  This would be the intern’s first real test, though Perry would never for a second let the patient die if JD truly couldn’t step up to the plate.  “We need to relieve the pressure in his chest.  JD, do it.”  He expected the expression of fear that swept over JD’s face, but he also seemed pleased, flattered even, that Perry had learned his name.  “Look at me.  You can do this.”

              Something about the change in his expression told Perry that JD believed him.  He took that as a good sign and watched him closely.

              “Chest tube tray,” JD squeaked, his voice cracking.

              Perry could understand JD’s nerves, but it was the ability to work through them that he was looking for.  That’s what being a doctor was all about, being able to work and even thrive under pressure, to make split-second decisions that would mean the difference between life and death.  He watched JD as another nurse brought him a tray of sterilized tools, noting that he seemed to be doubting himself once again.

              “Come on, baby, let’s go.  Chop-chop,” Perry urged.  They didn’t have time to waste with this one and the sooner Perry could get JD to really get in there the better.

              JD reached for a scalpel and turned back to the patient, who was struggling to hang on.  He hesitated, and Perry knew that if JD didn’t do something soon, he’d be forced to step in.

              “JD,” he said firmly, garnering the young intern’s attention.  “Cut him or lose him.”  He put things in simple terms of life and death, hoping that would stir emotion in JD, play to the sensitive side that Perry could already see he had.

              JD made the incision without any more hesitation and Perry couldn’t help the rush of pride he felt.  They weren’t out of the woods yet, though; hell, the kid had a _long_ way to go before he could even call himself a proper doctor, but a chest tube insertion was a good place to start.

              “Okay, give me the tube,” JD said in a shaky voice, though Perry was pleased to see that he was holding his own for the moment.  He struggled to get the tube inserted.  “I can’t get it through the pleura,” he told Perry, his voice shaking from effort and nerves.

              “Well, don’t be gentle,” Perry said, leaving no room for arguing.  “Get it in there.”

              Moments later, JD successfully inserted the chest tube and Perry felt a flood of relief.  “Okay, connect it, please, Carla,” JD said in a rush and they all watched as blood began to flow through the tube.

              “Normal rhythm,” Carla reported, looking at the patient’s heart monitor.

              JD laughed, a mixture of relief and surprise.  “No way!”

              Perry began taking off his gloves.  “See?  It’s a piece of cake,” he replied, his tone betraying none of the pride he felt in JD.  “That’s your patient.”

              “You’re leaving?” JD asked incredulously.

              Perry wondered if it was because JD wasn’t sure he could handle taking care of the patient himself or because he liked having Perry around just in case, as a safety net, but he started walking toward JD nonetheless.  Besides, he trusted Carla to page him in case something went wrong and JD couldn’t handle it.  “That’s your patient, doctor,” he said in a quieter voice.

              JD smiled and turned away from Perry, who hesitated for several moments before patting JD’s shoulder, a gesture that was quite uncommon for him.  For some reason he couldn’t explain, Perry was far more pleased than he expected to be that JD had pulled through.  He never expected much from interns, but it was clear that JD had the drive to succeed and excel as a doctor.  Whether or not he would was another story, but Perry suddenly felt certain that he would do what he could to help JD along, even if his methods were unconventional.

              Perry left his hand on JD’s shoulder for a few moments too long, but he quickly pulled away, letting his arm fall to his side, when JD glanced back at him.  Their eyes had met and Perry suddenly felt ashamed, like he should have known better.  He had a strange feeling he would come to regret the action.


	2. I Must Be Looking for Something

“Let’s go, Clarabelle,” Perry snapped, gesturing for JD to follow him as he set a brisk pace down the hall.

              “Uh, Dr. Cox?” JD asked, nearly jogging to keep up.  “What are we doing?”

              Perry stroked his chin as if he were deep in thought.  “I can’t seem to think of the word right now, but you’re familiar with that thing you spent four years in college for and then _another_ four years in med school, thereby wasting eight years of your life and putting yourself into a state of crippling student loan debt?”

              “Becoming a doctor?” JD asked slowly, which Perry took to mean that JD wasn’t sure there was a right answer to his query.

              “That’s the one,” Perry growled in a flat voice, looking straight ahead as he strode down the hall.  “I don’t suppose you thought being an intern was going to be all fun and games, did you?”

              JD seemed taken aback by Perry’s sudden hostility, especially after the pat on the shoulder he’d received just several days prior.  “Well, no,” JD said, glancing nervously at Perry every few seconds.  “I – I just thought I’d really be able to _get in there,_ you know?  Aren’t there any cool cases that we could work on together?”

              “Oh, danger, Sally,” Perry said in warning, turning to look at JD.  “Let’s get one thing straight, shall we?  You and I are not working _together._ I am your attending.  I am your _teacher._ I am not your colleague or one of the gal pals in your inner circle that comes over every Friday night to complain about men and read _Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants._ ”

              “I’ve actually never read that, but the movie was excellent,” JD gushed, seemingly oblivious to Perry’s annoyance.

              “Lookit,” Perry said in exasperation, stopping mid-stride and turning to face JD.  He crossed his arms, looking rather intimidating if the expression on JD’s face was any indication.  “From this point on, our conversations are to be strictly related to medicine.  I don’t want to hear about your love life, your friends – if you have any, that is – or your family.  All I want to hear from you is, ‘Yes, sir, Dr. Cox.’  Do you understand me?”

              “Yes, sir, Dr. Cox,” JD mumbled, his eyes downcast.

              The way JD shrank back as Perry spoke caused some conflict in Perry, which only served to anger him more.  This kid was already getting under his skin and he hadn’t even worked at the hospital for a full week.  Perry sneered and turned away, throwing open the door to the ICU, leaving JD to catch up with him. 

              “Carla,” Perry said as he walked up to the nurses’ station, “what’s the word on Mr. Boyce?”

              Carla handed over the patient’s chart, though she did not smile at Perry.  He figured it had something to do with the pouting, down-trodden intern lingering just behind him.  “His condition seems to be improving,” she said flatly, staring a hole through Perry’s skull.  He couldn’t be bothered to care.

              “Lovely,” Perry replied sarcastically, taking the chart from her.  “Wendy, come,” he called over his shoulder without looking to see if JD was following.  He entered Mr. Boyce’s room, his patient who had taken a turn for the worse while Perry had been considering discharging him. 

              “Good morning, Dr. Cox,” Mr. Boyce said, and Perry was pleased to see that color had returned to his face, which had been a pale, ghostly white for most of the week.

              “Good to see you, Mr. Boyce,” Perry replied, keeping his tone as friendly as possible, though the mere presence of JD in any given room tended to annoy him.  “Looks like you’re feeling better.”

              “Much,” Mr. Boyce confirmed.  He was an older man, though not so old that Perry hadn’t had him rushed into surgery after he crashed.  He had a heart condition, one that Perry had tried to treat with medication before it became clear that surgery was necessary to keep the man alive.  “I don’t suppose I’ll actually be able to go home now?”

              “We’ll be discharging you this afternoon,” Perry confirmed, almost amused by the look of pleasant surprise on his patient’s face.  “I’ll have one of my nurses come in and go over the paperwork with you, but the surgery to repair your heart worked as well as can be expected.”

              “Thank you for everything,” Mr. Boyce said, smiling back at Perry.

              “Don’t mention it,” Perry said dismissively.  “All the best.”

              With that, he turned on his heel and walked back out toward the nurses’ station.  “He really liked you,” JD commented, seeming less upset than before.  “You saved his life?”

              “I was just doing my job, Newbie,” Perry said tiredly, making a few final notes on Mr. Boyce’s chart.  “But yes, I did.”

              “Does it ever scare you?” JD asked after a slight pause, during which he fidgeted and watched Perry nervously.  “Having to save people?”

              Perry turned to face JD, a muscle in his jaw jumping.  He still couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason, but something about JD made his blood boil.  Every little comment, every question, grated on his nerves.  “No,” he said flatly, “because I’m a good doctor.  You can’t be scared if you’re going to save people.  You have to be one hundred percent in control all the time and you have to be _damn good_ at your job.  So, I suggest you grow a pair and act like someone who’s been through medical school.”

              Perry certainly didn’t miss the way JD’s face fell as he spoke and he watched as JD nodded, looking remarkably like a puppy with its tail between its legs.  JD turned on his heel and walked away without another word.  Perry wondered absently if that marked the first time JD had been silent.  He sighed and grabbed his next patient’s chart, ignoring the nurses around him, some of which had been listening intently to their conversation.

              “What the hell is wrong with you?” Carla asked angrily, staring daggers at Perry.  “Why are you being so mean to Bambi?”

              Perry looked up and glared back at Carla.  “I’m treating him like I treat every other intern who asks stupid questions.”

              “No, you’re not,” Carla maintained, a hand on her hip.  “If you were treating him like every other intern, you’d be annoyed, but you wouldn’t be _cruel._ He just wants to learn and for some reason, he _likes_ you, so stop trying to make him cry.”

              “You are the last person I need a lecture from,” Perry replied in a scathing tone.  “If he’s going to make it here, he needs some tough love.  This isn’t a walk in the park and it’s sure as hell not my job to coddle him.  It’s yours.”

              Carla narrowed her eyes and Perry noticed Laverne listening in, her eyebrows shooting up at Perry’s last comment. 

              “Look, Carla,” Perry continued, “it’s on me if these interns can’t hack it.  It’s my job to make sure they know how to treat and diagnose and be _doctors._ It’s not my job to hold their hands when they’re scared.  You and I both know that’s not how I operate.”

              Carla looked incensed by Perry’s words, but seemed to have the good sense not to continue with the argument that neither of them would fold on.  “Fine,” she muttered.  “But you know he means well.  It wouldn’t kill you to be a little more sensitive.”

              Perry didn’t bother with a retort; he had much better things to do than go back and forth with Carla, quite possibly the only person in the hospital who was just as stubborn as himself.  He still didn’t understand it himself, why JD infuriated him so much more than usual, but he knew it was the reason he was lashing out.  He also knew Carla was right, that he was treating JD differently than he would any other intern, and that only served to make him angrier.  He couldn’t explain it, but every time he even caught sight of the kid, he grew more frustrated. 

              For the rest of the day, JD redoubled his attempts to get closer to Perry, to try and relate to him.  He showed little to no regard for the rule Perry had tried to establish that their conversations were related strictly to medicine. 

              “You know, Dr. Cox, when I was in med school, I had this professor who –”

              “Oh, man, Dr. Cox, you would have loved this show I was watching last night –”

              After the third time JD brought up something utterly ridiculous, Perry decided he’d had enough.  He was fuming at that point, and closed his eyes, trying to resist the urge to lash out, but JD continued babbling happily. 

              Perry whistled sharply, cutting JD off. 

              “For the love of all that is good and holy, _shut the hell up_ ,” he snapped, his jaw tight.  “I don’t know how many times you need me to tell you that the _only_ thing I care about is your ability to practice medicine.  At this point, I’m not sure just how likely it _is_ that you’ll make it, oh, more than a month, let’s say, but until you do get kicked out of here and land firmly on your ass, I’d appreciate a little peace and quiet.”

              JD seemed to shrink before Perry, becoming smaller and smaller until Perry was satisfied at the insignificant child standing in front of him.  “I’ll just… go then,” he mumbled.  “I didn’t mean to bother you.”  He turned away from Perry and hurried away down the hall.

              Perry couldn’t have cared less where the kid was going, nor did he worry that he’d hurt his feelings.  He was determined to enjoy the comfortable silence that settled around him now that Newbie was no longer babbling about subjects that Perry had no interest in.  He decided that heading to the on-call room for a much-deserved rest was in order.  He’d been on the clock for nearly twelve hours and still had four more to go before he’d get to go home and it was safe to say that he was _exhausted_.

              He was grateful when no one tried to stop him on his way there.  Perhaps they’d all heard him tear Newbie a new one and had the good sense to stay out of his way.  He slipped into the dark room and easily found an empty bed.  He climbed into it, closing his eyes and relaxing against the mattress.  Mere moments later, he heard whimpering coming from the bed in the corner.  He ran a hand down his face in frustration.  It really was impossible to get some rest in this damn place.  He was _this_ close to shouting at whoever it was to keep it down, but his eyes began to adjust to the darkness and he could make out the figure on the bed, huddled into a ball.  The light coming in from under the door helped him realize it was JD.  He appeared to be asleep; Perry assumed he was having some sort of troubling dream.

              Perry felt the sudden urge to take care of him, to wake him and make sure he’s okay, but the moment he processed those thoughts, he banished them.  He turned away from the whimpering intern and tried to get to sleep, but his mind was working too quickly now.  Even though he was doing his best to think about anything but JD, he was the only thing he could focus on.  He began to realize why JD infuriated him so much.  He exuded this need to be taken care of, to constantly be comforted or reassured, and for some reason, Perry _wanted_ to take care of him.  Not even Jordan had been like that when they were together.  She was always incredibly independent and rejected the notion that she needed anyone to take care of her.  JD seemed so fragile and young and all Perry could think about was gathering JD up in his arms and reassuring him that he’d be okay.  Everyone went through a hard time when they were an intern – it came with the territory.  Realizing and processing all this frustrated Perry to no end.

              Perry was not the comforting type.  Even people he considered his friends – Carla, Jordan’s brother Ben… that was about it – knew they Perry had never allowed himself to be vulnerable.  Perry was many things, but he would never agree to _that_.  He wasn’t sure where to go from here, how to handle being around JD when he wanted so badly to be far more gentle than he’d previously been.  He had a strange feeling that it wouldn’t be long before something had to give.


	3. Giving You What You Hadn't Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rating for this fic really becomes applicable in this chapter. Enjoy and let me know what you're thinking so far! :)

Perry had no grand plans for his day off, the first in nearly two weeks.  He was looking forward to spending it lounging around on his couch in his boxers with a scotch in one hand and the remote in his other.  There would be no interruptions save for answering the door when he ordered a pizza for delivery.  He was already looking forward to it when he left the hospital after his sixteen-hour shift.  He went home and went straight to bed, the promise of being allowed to lay in bed for as long as he wanted when he woke up more enticing than anything. 

              He did just that the next morning.  Nothing in particular woke him up and though he would have liked to sleep in longer, he was so used to getting up early for work that his body wouldn’t allow it.  He didn’t mind and spent an extra hour in bed simply relaxing.  When the sunlight filtering in from his window began to shine right in his face, he took it as his cue to get out of bed and find something to eat.  After a quick breakfast of eggs and toast, he made himself comfortable on the couch just as he had intended: in his boxers with a glass of scotch.  So what if it was a little too early for his beverage of choice?  Today, he answered to no one. 

              Perry flipped through the channels, but trying to find something good to watch on a Thursday morning was easier said than done.  He took infrequent sips from his glass, skipping from show to show when they didn’t hold his interest.  Eventually, he settled on a rerun of _Wings_ , though he found his attention slipping from the show to a certain blue-eyed intern.

              Frustrated, Perry tried to push all thoughts of JD from his mind, but he couldn’t seem to focus on anything else.  Wasn’t it bad enough that the kid annoyed him constantly at work?  Now he had to annoy him at home on his days off, too?  Perry grumbled to himself and to get JD off his mind, he began listing the bones in the human hand.  And then the foot.  And soon he was running through mental lists of _anything_ medical – possible causes for chest pain, differential diagnoses for hypertension – but his thoughts always came back to _him_.

              Perry didn’t know what else to do other than let his imagination run wild.  He’d let his mind wander and then he’d have gotten his fill and wouldn’t have this problem anymore.  It began with JD’s eyes.  They were impossibly vivid, a light, bright blue that captivated Perry despite his best efforts to ignore them.  From there, his thoughts drifted to JD’s lips, full and soft – at least, Perry imagined they would be.  It was impossible not to notice them, what with all the talking he did.  And that smile of his, so genuine and kind and contagious that it was hard to ignore.  Perry began thinking of JD’s body, though he didn’t fully understand why.  It wasn’t as if JD was anything spectacular to look at – he certainly didn’t have the body of a Greek god – but Perry couldn’t deny that there was _something_ about him.

              By the time Perry realized that _something_ was JD’s ass, he noticed that his boxers had become uncomfortably tight.  There was no explaining away the thoughts that had made him so hard, which made Perry angry at himself.  He shouldn’t have let himself get so carried away, but at the same time, the opportunity to let his thoughts run away with themselves was alluring.  It wasn’t as though this was a departure from his usual activities on his days off, so he figured there was no use in stopping.

              Perry shoved down his boxers just enough to free his cock and he set his drink down on the coffee table.  He let out a breath when he finally wrapped a hand around himself, stroking slowly.  He closed his eyes and let his mind wander to images of JD sinking to his knees.  His own hand became JD’s, wrapped around his thick cock and squeezing as he stroked, urging Perry on.  And god, he’d look good down there, those lips mere inches from Perry’s cock.  He’d probably press soft kisses to his hips and his thighs, teasing just enough for Perry to thread his fingers into JD’s hair and pull _just_ hard enough to make him moan.  He’d live for it, want to be dominated by Perry.  It would only be then that he took Perry’s cock into his mouth, lips covering his teeth as his tongue swirled and licked, his hand still wrapped around him at the base.  There’d be no way Perry could stay silent, no, JD’d be far too good at what he was doing for him to keep from moaning and rocking his hips forward.  And _fuck_ , JD would use both his hands to pin Perry’s hips back against the wall, letting his mouth do all the work, and he’d moan around his cock, sending shivers up Perry’s spine, when Perry’s fingers in his hair suddenly tightened and his moans became more frequent and – _shit, shit, shit,_ he was coming in hard spasms that ripped a low groan from his chest.  One last thought of JD, willingly keeping Perry in his mouth until he was finished, had him spurting once more before he released himself and tried to catch his breath.

              Perry relaxed back against the couch, his eyes still closed, and imagined JD kissing his way up his chest.  The kisses would be feather-light; JD’s touch would always be gentle and loving unless Perry asked him to be otherwise.  Once Perry regained functioning, he shook the thoughts away.  It was easy to justify – JD was feminine and so sensitive that he might as well be a girl.  Never mind that the mere _thought_ of JD blowing him was enough to make him come so hard he’d probably have aftershocks from it for days.  He was a girl.  It didn’t count.  At least that’s what Perry told himself.

 

              When Perry came back to work the next day, having spent the rest of his day off unable to shake off thoughts of JD, he was in more foul a mood than usual.  It was as if JD had made a beeline straight for Perry for the simple reason of talking to him about his personal problems.  He wasn’t sure what he’d done to make JD think he was even remotely interested in anything to do with JD’s personal life, but JD seemed to be laboring under the delusion that Perry wanted to know every thought he had. 

              “I know I just started here,” JD said, leaning against the nurses’ station counter on his elbows, “but it’s driving me nuts how clique-y everyone here is.  I mean, everyone’s already got their groups and I haven’t really found a good place to meet… people.  You know, guys.  To get a date.” 

              It was obvious to Perry that JD was fishing for information, but Perry would be damned if he’d give JD anything. 

              “I was hoping someone could give me some recommendations on good places, maybe some clubs or a bar or something like that,” JD continued, glancing up at Perry.

              Perry tried to focus on the notations he was making on a patient’s chart, but he was growing increasingly frustrated with the babbling intern.  It soon became too much – though he knew much of his frustration was due to his own thoughts and not JD’s words – and he slammed the chart down on the counter.

              “Listen up, Bonnie,” he snapped.  “I don’t care what or _who_ you do in your free time, but it has no place in a goddamn hospital!  Shut your mouth and get to work!”

              He was aware that everyone in a two-mile radius was staring at him, but the only thing he cared about was the way JD’s face fell as he turned away.  His expression had been heartbreaking and Perry _hated_ the way it made him instantly regret what he’d said.  It was true that it wasn’t exactly appropriate for JD to be discussing such things, but hell, the kid was just trying to get Perry to talk to him, to offer some information of his own.  Perry’d never been much good at having conversations, especially when it came to personal matters.  He didn’t plan on JD being the first person to know that Perry was having some serious doubts about his sexuality.

              Carla stormed over to him, going as far as to walk around to Perry’s side of the counter.  She had her hands on her hips as she stared him down.  He could take her anger or her annoyance, but the look she gave him was that of pure disappointment.  “Look what you’ve done,” she said flatly.

              “Carla, not now,” Perry replied, shaking his head as he finished up writing on his patient’s chart.

              “I hope you’re happy with yourself,” Carla muttered.  “Why can’t you just be nice to him?  He’s having a hard time adjusting to this place and he _trusts_ you.  The least you could do is not yell at him.”

              Perry put his chart away and stormed off down the hall; the last thing he wanted to do was hear more of Carla’s lecture, though he figured he’d get another one for walking away from her.  Despite his best efforts, he was feeling guilty about snapping at JD and was determined to find him.  There were only so many places in the hospital he could hide, but Perry had a good as to where he was.

              Sure enough, he found JD sitting on an upturned bucket in the second supply closet he checked.  As soon as he opened the door, JD looked up at him for a split second and then turned his gaze back to floor.  Perry couldn’t quite tell if there were tears on his cheeks or not, but he sure looked miserable enough as it was.  He hated knowing that he’d caused JD to feel this way, but he also hated the fact that he _cared_. 

              Despite knowing full well that he’d regret it, he pulled JD to his feet, none too gently, and looked him straight in the eye.  “Look, kid, I’m sorry, all right?  I’m not having a good day and I took it out on you.”  It was the best apology Perry could muster while still protecting his own dignity.

              JD nodded.  “Thanks,” he said quietly, still looking remarkably like a puppy that had just been scolded by its owner.

              Perry couldn’t help but want to make JD feel better.  There it was again, that urge to take care of him.  It drove Perry insane, but it was next to impossible to resist.  His eyes flickered down to JD’s lips, the same full lips he’d imagined wrapped around his cock the day before, and suddenly the desire to kiss them was too strong.  He leaned forward, his hand still on JD’s upper arm from when he pulled him up to stand, and kissed him.  It was quick, so quick that JD barely had time to respond before Perry pulled away. 

              Perry thought he would regret apologizing, but that was nothing compared to the regret he was feeling now.  Without another word or another glance in JD’s direction, he fled the supply closet, slamming the door shut in JD’s face.


	4. Each Time I Tell Myself That I Think I've Had Enough

Perry was convinced that he was the dumbest man on the planet.  It was one thing for him to think these things about JD, but it was another thing entirely to _act_ on them.  Of course, JD was avoiding Perry like the plague now, though Perry couldn’t blame him.  What else was the kid supposed to do?  In addition to feeling like a prize idiot, Perry was also confused.

              He had never disliked sleeping with Jordan.  In fact, he enjoyed it, liked that she took what she wanted.  She was rough, dominant, and determined.  He had always admired that about her.  Sometimes he even wondered if he enjoyed sleeping with her more than she did with him, but he decided to chalk that up to Jordan’s general disdain for having feelings.  Regardless, Perry knew that the two of them had worked well together, at least physically.  Now that his attraction to JD was more than just inside his head, he was starting to struggle with it.

              There was no denying that Perry _was_ attracted to JD, try as he might to push the idea out of his mind.  He wanted him so badly that it was a tangible, physical ache.  He wondered for a moment if the kiss really made any difference at all.  He doubted that he would have been able to stop the thoughts even if he hadn’t kissed JD.  He was in too deep now.

              Perry had never paid much attention to all those initials, the alphabet soup that the gay community seemed so fond of.  LGBT, if that was what it was.  He didn’t know what they stood for, but Perry didn’t like labels as it was.  It had always seemed so black and white to him – either a person was gay or they were straight, and Perry was definitely _not gay_.  That left him with one final question: If he wasn’t gay, what the hell was he?

              If Perry really sat back and thought about it, he had always _noticed_ men, but he had never realized in what way he was noticing them.  He could appreciate when a person was attractive and be objective about it, but he never stopped to think that he was attracted to anyone other than women.  He began to wonder if that was simply because he never _allowed_ himself to be.  Now that he was allowing himself, albeit begrudgingly, to be attracted to JD, it was actually sort of freaking him out.  Here he was, sitting in the cafeteria at the hospital where he’d worked for years and years, in his early forties, just now realizing that he was attracted to men. 

              The worst part about it was not the attraction itself, but rather that he had to go through it alone.  It wasn’t something he could talk to Jordan about.  He could see exactly how that conversation would go: he’d admit it to Jordan and she’d poke fun at him and make jokes and then offer to make him remember just how much he liked sleeping with women.  He couldn’t tell Carla either because she’d find it sickeningly sweet and she’d marvel at the fact that Perry _had a crush_ on her Bambi.  No, he’d have to deal with this on his own.  His only other option was JD himself and he knew that JD would be all too willing to help him through it.  He’d sooner die than let that happen.

              Realistically, the last thing Perry even wanted was help.  He didn’t want this to be happening in the first place and he tried to shove down the attraction he felt, but every spare moment brought with it thoughts of JD, of the look on his face when Perry had shouted at him, of the softness of JD’s lips against his own.  It didn’t matter what Perry did; JD was impossible to escape.  He knew that they would have to continue working together somehow, but Perry decided that problem was best left for the next day.  It would give him time to think about how to respond when JD would inevitably want to talk about their kiss.

              That night, Perry hardly slept.  It was impossible given his racing thoughts.  He’d long since given up trying to push the whole thing out of his mind, knowing it was a futile endeavor.  All night, images of JD ran through his head, only furthering his guilt and frustration.  He knew he’d treated JD terribly, but what else was he supposed to do?  If he showed the kid even a scrap of affection – or anything other than disdain – he’d latch on and try that much harder.  The only answer was systematically driving him away.  And Perry knew he couldn’t do it.

 

              When Perry went in for his shift the next morning, he was surprised to find that JD was nowhere in sight.  He knew the two of them were scheduled to work the same shift and he had been expecting JD to hurry up to him and want to discuss what had happened between them.  He waited for hours, three to be exact, and he had seen neither hide nor hair of the young intern.  It was disconcerting to the point that Perry had become jumpy, expecting JD to sneak up behind him at any moment. 

              “What’s going on with you and JD?” Carla asked him after he’d finished giving her treatment orders for one of his patients.

              “What do you mean?” Perry asked, scribbling on the patient’s chart while they stood at the foot of his bed. 

              “You’ve been acting strange all day.  So has Bambi.  Did you do something to him?”

              Perry sighed mentally.  “No, Carla, I didn’t, and even if I had, is it really any of your concern?”

              Carla narrowed her eyes at Perry.  “Whatever you did, you better fix it, especially after the way you shouted at him yesterday,” she demanded.

              Perry stalked off, feeling rather upset.  This wasn’t something he could snap his fingers and fix.  Not to mention that Carla didn’t even seem to realize that _he_ was going through something.  She was only worried about JD.  He considered Carla a friend, a good one, too, but her maternal instincts tended to get the best of her when it came to the interns.  For whatever reason, she had chosen JD to mother the most, much to Perry’s irritation.  It was bad enough before the kiss, but now everything was so much more complicated.

              In an attempt to think about something – _anything_ – else for a while, Perry threw himself into his work.  He visited all his patients, even the ones he really didn’t need to see, and shot the breeze with them.  It was all superficial, of course, but it provided Perry with a short respite from his thoughts.  He had just walked out of his last patient’s room when Kelso stopped to talk to him.

              “Perry, my son Harrison is coming to visit this weekend, so I’ll need you to take over rounds for me,” Kelso told him, leaving no room for Perry to argue.

              Perry decided to argue anyway, just for the fun of it.  He didn’t mind leading rounds for a couple days, but he was doing anything he could to stop thinking about JD.  “I didn’t know you had a son,” he said, tilting his head as he feigned surprise.

              Kelso narrowed his eyes.  “I’ve had his picture on my desk since the day I became Chief,” he said flatly.

              “Oh, _that_ picture?” Perry asked.  “I was under the assumption that was your daughter, what with the wig and all that makeup.”

              Kelso’s expression went dark and though Perry walked off without another word, he knew he’d just made a very big mistake.  He knew why he had lashed out, though he could have picked on Carla or Laverne a little bit instead of Kelso, the one person in the place who actually had power over him.  It was now just another thing to add to his plate in a series of self-destructive mistakes.

              Perry shook the idea of what the consequences might be off for the moment and walked up to the nurses’ station, where Laverne was sorting through paperwork.

              “Can I help you?” she asked, glancing up at him.

              “Laverne, have I ever told you what a sweet woman you are?” Perry asked sarcastically.

              She rolled her eyes.  “What do you want?”

              “You seen Newbie?”

              Laverne considered his question for a few long moments as she continued sorting, then finally looked back up at Perry.  “Went up to the roof about twenty minutes ago,” she told him.  “Said he needed some air.”

              Perry nodded his thanks and walked off toward the stairwell.  He wasn’t sure why he wanted to see JD so badly, but their entire shifts had passed without one interaction between them.  At the very least, they had to be professional about this.  When Perry opened the door to the roof, he saw JD leaning against the outer wall on his elbows, just watching the city beneath them.  He couldn’t see JD’s face, but something about his posture told him that he was tired.  Probably confused, too.

              Slowly, Perry walked over to the far side of the roof.  He didn’t try to be quiet; he wanted JD to know he was there so he didn’t startle him.  Silently, he stood next to JD, his hands shoved into the pockets on his lab coat, and joined him in staring out over the busy road behind the hospital.  Neither of them said anything for so long that Perry wasn’t sure they’d ever move.  He could tell JD was nervous, but he never once looked at Perry, glancing only between the road and his own hands. 

              “I’m sorry,” Perry said after some time, his voice low and soft.  “I don’t know what I was thinking –”

              “It’s okay,” JD said quickly, cutting Perry off.  “I’m sure you didn’t mean to and, as far as I’m concerned, I’ll pretend it never happened and we can just go back to the way things were.”

              JD paused then, finally looking up at Perry.  Perry wasn’t sure what his expression was, but something about it must have changed JD’s mind.  Neither of them spoke for another long moment and the growing tension between them was palpable. 

              Perry did not think, nor did he care about the consequences of his actions.  The same sudden desire – the _need_ – to feel JD against him had risen up once again and he was powerless to stop it.  He reached out and pulled JD to his chest, roughly, and kissed him long and hard.  It was far more intense and desperate than their first kiss, and this time, JD was a willing participant.  Perry dug his fingers into JD’s hips and reveled in the feeling of JD’s fingers in his hair, pulling just enough for a shock to course through his body.  As they kissed, Perry suddenly knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted JD, wanted him more than he’d ever wanted someone before.  The knowledge was somewhat disconcerting, but Perry refused to be the ever-clichéd guy confused about his sexuality because that would make him vulnerable.  It was a simple decision, then, to take exactly what he wanted.


	5. I'm Just a Man, I'm Not a Hero

Perry’s apartment door flew open and Perry and JD stumbled inside, clinging to each other and barely breaking apart to take a breath.  Perry had long since pushed away any thoughts of the fact that he was kissing a man and that it wasn’t normal or natural or _right_ because it felt really fucking _good_.  He dragged JD toward the couch by circling his fingers into the front of JD’s scrub bottoms, which had the younger man gasping into the kiss and eagerly following along.

              Perry pulled JD down onto his lap once he was seated on the couch and ran his hands up, under his shirt, and over his back.  JD seemed to have no hesitation about it and Perry realized that in this situation, JD was far more experienced than he was.  He’d be damned if he’d let JD know that, though.  He broke the kiss, and not for the first time, to move to JD’s neck, licking a long stripe from his collar bone to the hollow behind his ear.  JD’s head fell back and he let out a soft moan, his hands gripping Perry’s shirt at his shoulders.  Perry groaned, more surprised than anything, when JD started rocking his hips against him, the friction sending waves of pleasure through him.

              “Too many clothes,” JD said under his breath, reaching for the hem of Perry’s shirt.  Perry let him do what he wanted, pulling the shirt over his head and tossing it behind the couch.  “Much better.”

              Perry couldn’t help but smirk at the look of awe on JD’s face as he took in Perry’s body.  It was no secret that Perry took pride in his body and enjoyed staying in shape.  JD certainly seemed to approve and ran his hands down Perry’s chest as he leaned back in to resume their kiss.  Perry was grateful that JD continued to roll his hips, grinding down against him.  He didn’t want to stop kissing JD, but he was eager to get more of their clothes off.  JD got the hint when Perry started pulling up his top, and he sat up, breathing hard and keeping his eyes locked on Perry as he pulled the layered shirts off.  They joined Perry’s in a pile on the floor behind the couch and Perry allowed himself to really look at JD.  He maintained that JD was not the most attractive man in the world, but right there in the moment, he was the most gorgeous thing Perry had ever seen.

              Perry was jolted out of his thoughts when JD snuck a hand between them and rubbed Perry through his pants.  His breath hitched in his chest and his gaze shot back up to JD’s eyes.  They were darker than normal, it seemed, a beautiful stormy blue that Perry found himself getting lost in until JD leaned back in to kiss him deeply.

              “Can I ride you?” JD whispered, his lips brushing against Perry’s.

              Perry let out a breath, but quickly composed himself.  JD seemed so much older than he did at the hospital, so much less awkward and much more confident.  Perry envied him that, but letting JD take control of the position and of the pace took some of the pressure off himself.  “Yeah,” Perry replied, sliding his hands down JD’s back to grip his ass.  “Do that.”

              JD sighed softly and closed his eyes for a moment before sliding off Perry’s lap to slide his bottoms down to the floor.  Perry hid his surprise well, but he had not expected JD to look so good naked.  It was strange, given that he didn’t often spend his time imagining what men might look like without clothes, but when he _did_ imagine JD, he hadn’t anticipated him to be so well-endowed.  His cock was standing at attention, thicker than Perry would have thought, though not quite as long as his own.  Truthfully, he’d spent more time thinking about what JD would do with his mouth and how he’d feel when Perry was buried inside him rather than what JD would look like. 

              “See something you like?” JD asked, smirking as he looked down at Perry.

              Perry blushed, embarrassed to have been caught staring at JD’s cock.  “You bet,” he muttered, quickly stripping off his remaining clothing.  He was rather pleased when he saw JD’s eyes widen just slightly and his eyebrows climb up his forehead.  So, he _was_ as impressive as he thought he was. 

              “You have lube, right?” JD said, sounding a little breathless. 

              “Shit,” Perry swore under his breath, pushing himself off the couch and striding toward his bedroom.  “Hold tight.”

              With shaking hands, Perry rummaged through his nightstand drawer and emerged with a half-empty bottle of lube.  He hurried back out into the living room, where JD was now sitting on the couch, lazily stroking himself.  His mouth watered at the sight and JD gave him that same smug smirk from before when they made eye contact. 

              Perry sat down next to JD and handed him the lube, trusting him to do exactly what he needed to.  It turned out that all JD needed to do was squeeze the lube onto Perry’s cock and take him in hand to spread it over him.  Perry visibly relaxed back against the couch the moment JD touched him and JD kissed at his neck.  What felt like far too soon, JD let go of him, but Perry couldn’t be too terribly disappointed since JD wasted no time in swinging his leg back over Perry, straddling him once again.  Perry’s cock twitched in anticipation and he swallowed hard, his eyes locked on JD’s the entire time.

              Slowly, JD sank down onto him, and the feeling was unlike anything Perry had ever experienced.  He’d been with plenty of women, but this was different, and he had a feeling he might actually prefer it.  The resulting moan JD let out was low and absolutely _gorgeous_ as far as Perry was concerned.  He leaned in and sucked hard at JD’s neck, his hands gripping JD’s waist harder and harder.  Finally, he was buried completely in JD, who seemed to be just as overwhelmed. 

              JD started out by gradually rolling his hips, grinding against Perry more than anything, as he adjusted to the feeling of him.  It occurred to Perry that JD was probably used to a little more preparation, but he was grateful they hadn’t done much foreplay.  JD wouldn’t have to know how inexperienced he was this way.  Perry kept his lips on JD’s neck, marking him up just below where his shirt would cover.  JD continued to let out soft moans, his eyes closed and his head tilted back. 

              Perry bit down on the junction where JD’s neck met his shoulder and JD shuddered.  After that, he seemed to get the message that Perry wanted things rough.  His pace changed quickly from slow rocking motions to fast, hard movements.  Perry found himself cursing under his breath each time JD slammed down on his cock and gripped his hips even tighter.  He thrusted up into JD, meeting him in perfect rhythm.  The only sound in the otherwise silent apartment was that of their harsh breathing and skin on skin.  JD gripped the back of the couch for leverage, and cried out when Perry decided he wanted to touch JD, enhance this any way he could.  He wrapped his hand around JD’s thick cock and stroked him in quick, tight movements that had JD begging incoherently for more.  If he wanted more, Perry would give him more.

              Without warning, Perry flipped them so JD was on his back with Perry hovering over him.  He guided himself back into JD, who immediately wrapped his legs around his waist.  Each thrust was harder than the last and Perry sacrificed rhythm for intensity, threading his fingers into JD’s hair as he rested his weight on his forearms.  The noises JD was making were incredible, breathy moans and gasps and lots of begging.  It was music to Perry’s ears.

              The harder Perry pounded into JD, the closer he got to finishing.  He grunted with each thrust, loving the way JD’s back arched up so their chests were touching.  He could feel himself hovering just on the edge of close when JD suddenly tightened around him and cried out.  Perry realized he could feel JD’s cock, caught between their stomachs, twitching as he came.  Perry could hardly believe it – he hadn’t even been touching JD at the time, at least not with his hand – but each spasm that JD experienced, Perry felt, too.  Three more thrusts had him coming undone, buried deep inside JD and coming harder than he had in recent memory.  His head fell forward onto JD’s shoulder as he groaned, riding out the intense waves of pleasure. 

              Once he started to catch his breath, Perry slowly slid out of JD, who was shaking slightly.  He didn’t have the heart to send him packing right away, not to mention that Perry really didn’t want to be alone just yet.  He didn’t bother to pick up their clothes, which were strewn about the living room floor, and instead scooped JD up into his arms and carried him toward his bedroom.  JD looked surprised by the gesture, though his exhaustion seemed to override any protests or comments.  He wasn’t very heavy to begin with and Perry was strong, plus his bedroom was just down the hall from the living room. 

              He set JD down on his bed as gently as possible before climbing in next to him and pulling the covers over both of them.  JD curled against his chest right away, and Perry ignored all the alarm bells ringing in his head as he put his arm around JD.  If all he could have was one night before everything started to fall apart again, he’d take it.  Neither of them felt the need to speak, for which Perry was grateful.  He rubbed JD’s back and listened as his breathing evened out as he drifted off.  Perry wasn’t far behind and was happy to find that he didn’t hate this part of what they’d done.  He’d never been much for the afterglow, but lying there with JD made him feel warm and hopeful.

 

              The same, however, could not be said for the morning.  Perry woke up with JD sleeping soundly with his head on his chest.  Glancing down at JD, who had never looked so peaceful and content, Perry felt a rush of affection for the younger man.  He immediately pushed it away, feeling a weight settle on his chest that had nothing to do with JD’s head.  He stared at the ceiling, growing increasingly more uncomfortable as the minutes passed.  He didn’t want to wake JD, but the longer he laid there, the more confused and upset Perry became. 

              It had finally sunken in, what they’d done the night before.  Leading up to it, Perry had felt nothing but anticipation and an eagerness to explore JD’s body in a way that he’d only fantasized about.  In the moment, it had been just as good – incredible, even – and Perry savored every second of it.  But now, after the fact, he was faced with the consequences.  He could only imagine what JD wanted out of this, having been so willing to go along with it and so _confident_ in himself as to take control. 

              Finally, JD began to stir, which Perry thought he would have been grateful for, but he faced a new set of problems: he would actually have to deal with JD and not just worry over what he might or might not say.  Perry debated mentally as JD woke up and realized he had another option: he could be the coward he truly was and run away from all this.

              JD hummed softly against Perry’s chest before stretching and lifting his head.  Perry continued to stare at the ceiling.

              “Dr. Cox?” JD asked, his voice rough from sleep.  It was gorgeous.

              “Don’t,” Perry said weakly, closing his eyes.  “Don’t say anything.”

              JD stiffened then, sitting up to get a better look at Perry’s face.  “But I –”

              “Stop talking, JD!” Perry said in exasperation, raising his voice.

              He could tell without opening his eyes that JD had shrunk back at the sudden change in his demeanor.  He didn’t want to see the look on his face because he knew it would only make him feel guiltier and cause him more pain.  He hated hurting JD but he couldn’t seem to stop doing it.

              Perry felt the bed shift, felt JD moving away from him.  “Do you want me to leave?” JD asked in a small voice that carried the same weight as a punch to the gut. 

              “Yes,” Perry replied, his voice emotionless. 

              He listened as JD slid off the bed and left the room.  He could not hear him out in the living room, presumably gathering up his clothes from the night before, but knew he was gone when the front door slammed shut.  It was better that way.  JD deserved a hell of a lot better than this mess.

 

              A few hours later, Perry headed into work, knowing full well that JD would be there.  He hadn’t developed any sort of plan, but figured that if JD tried to talk about it again, he’d pretend like he didn’t know what he meant.  There was no way he was letting this get out to the rest of the hospital staff.  He hoped JD had enough sense to understand that.  He could only imagine what was going through the poor kid’s head.  Perry’d practically dragged him to his apartment, fucked him, let him sleep over, and then promptly kicked him out.  JD had no clue that he was the first man Perry had ever been with, nor did he know that Perry was so conflicted about the whole thing.  Perry wasn’t sure he wanted him to know either.

              Unfortunately for Perry, he had completely forgotten the remark he made to Kelso about Harrison and was confused for the first part of his shift as to why Kelso was breathing down his neck.  He didn’t realize the reason until it was too late.  He had done what he always did: pulled strings for a patient who needed care that they couldn’t otherwise get.  He’d fudged the forms, claimed his patient was younger than she was, and Kelso had found out.  Carla had warned him mere moments before the big man himself came thundering down the hallway.  Perry saw JD watching from across the nurses’ station, though no one dared to interfere.

              “Just what do you think you’re doing?” Kelso asked, fuming.  Perry could practically see the smoke pouring out of his ears. 

              “Taking care of my patients,” Perry said stubbornly, much to Carla’s dismay. 

              “Did you actually think I wouldn’t find out what you did?”

              “What did I do?” Perry retorted.

              “You insolent –”

              “I’m insolent?”

              “ – Arrogant –”

              “Bottom line,” Perry interjected, not caring that half the staff had gathered around to watch them have it out, “she needed the TIPS procedure, with or without insurance –”

              “I’ve got you this time,” Kelso growled, “I can taste it.  I’ll teach you to respect the institution.  You’re suspended.  Effective _immediately_.”

              Perry’s jaw tightened, knowing that what he’d done for his patient had nothing to do with why he was suspended.  Despite that, his hands were tied.  He slammed his chart down on the counter and walked away, heading for the exit.  The hospital was the only thing Perry had in his life that kept him sane, made him feel useful.  Without it, he wasn’t sure what he’d do.

              He’d made it out to the parking lot when he heard JD call his name.  He kept walking toward his car, hoping JD’d get the picture, but it was clear that his luck had run out that day.

              “Dr. Cox, are you okay?” JD asked, running up to him.  “Is there anything I can do to help?  I mean, the hospital really isn’t the same without you and I –”  he reached forward and took Perry’s hand in his own – “I want to help.”

              Perry yanked his hand away, feeling more than a little broken.  He slowly backed away toward his car, holding his hands up as if in surrender.  “Save yourself the time and walk away, Newbie,” he said quietly.  “You don’t want to be a part of this.”


	6. If You're Gonna Be the Death of Me, That's How I Want to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long, but I'm really happy with how it turned out! I hope you guys feel the same way!

              Perry received notice, first through Carla, who’d taken to checking up on him via phone call at least twice a day since his suspension, and then by formal letter of the date when the board would hold the meeting to decide his fate as a doctor at Sacred Heart.  It was a week away and until then, he was not allowed in the hospital.  All he could do was pace around his apartment or take an occasional trip to the store to pick up something to eat, though he didn’t have much of an appetite.  Three days had passed since Kelso suspended him and there had hardly been a minute that went by that Perry did not think of JD. 

              He hadn’t heard from him and didn’t have the guts to ask Carla how Newbie was holding up. She’d been observant enough to notice that something was going on between them, though Perry doubted very much that she knew exactly what it was.  He supposed that she would volunteer information if something changed with JD.  It was for the best this way and Perry knew it, but that knowledge did nothing to stop the constant ache in his chest.

              That night, Perry was sprawled out on the couch in sweatpants and a Red Wings jersey, flipping through channels that he couldn’t care less about.  He’d given up on drowning in scotch when it did nothing to ease his mind.  His phone rang and without looking at the caller ID, he answered.

              “Three calls in one day, Carla?” he said scathingly.  “What’s that, a new record?”

              There was a pause before Perry received an answer.  “It’s not Carla.  It’s me.”

  1. Perry knew his voice well and he closed his eyes briefly at the sound of it.  “Newbie,” he said in a much different tone than before.  “What’re you calling for?”



              “Well, it’s just I haven’t heard from you for a while and you seemed pretty upset that day…”  When Perry didn’t reply, JD continued.  “Anyway, I wanted to make sure you were holding up okay and if you need anything, you know, I’m here.”

              Perry was quiet for a while then, trying to decide if he should ask for what he wanted.  “Yeah,” he finally answered.  “Come over.”

              “I’ll be there soon,” JD promised and then hung up.

              Perry knew that he didn’t have to say why he wanted JD to come over.  The reason was obvious to both of them.

 

              JD arrived soon after, as promised.  Perry answered the door and took JD’s hand in his own and led him down the hall to his bedroom.  Before he could process what had happened, a wave of desperation crashed over Perry, a need so strong that he hoped JD was up for it.  He was grateful for the reassurance that JD provided when he squeezed Perry’s hand and gave him a soft smile.  The ache in Perry’s chest grew stronger when JD turned toward him and took Perry’s face in his hands, his touch so delicate that Perry thought his heart might break, and kissed him with an overwhelming softness.

              Perry sighed into the kiss, moving his arms around JD’s waist and pulling him as close as possible.  It had never occurred to him that this – and _exactly_ this – might be just what he needed, but of course JD knew.  It pained him to admit it, but JD seemed to know a lot more about Perry than he let on.  It was disconcerting and comforting at the same time, letting someone in he’d never let himself get close to in such an intimate way.  Their kiss lingered on and JD’s fingers found their way into Perry’s hair as he tried to pull him even closer.

              “Take your clothes off,” Perry murmured, their noses brushing against one another’s.  He hated to pull away from JD, but they couldn’t stand next to his bed and kiss all night.

              JD stole one more kiss before taking a few steps back and doing as he was told.  Perry joined him, letting their clothes fall to the floor.  JD got into the bed first and pulled Perry down on top of him, kissing him deeply.  Perry let himself get lost in the kiss as he lowered his hips down against JD’s and rocked them slowly, in need of more friction than he was getting.  JD sighed softly at the feeling and wrapped his arms around Perry’s neck.  Perry continued his motions even as he reached for the lube, spreading a liberal amount over his cock.

              “You okay?” Perry breathed, looking into JD’s eyes.

              JD nodded.  “Yeah, of course,” he replied, brushing the pad of his thumb over Perry’s cheek.  “Go ahead.”

              Perry leaned back in to kiss JD as he slowly pushed into him.  He felt a shudder run through JD and listened as he whimpered, his grasp on Perry’s hair tightening.  He was careful to go as slowly as possible, letting JD adjust before he started to move.  The last thing he wanted to do was hurt JD, though he’d done it so many times before.

              Once he was ready, JD wrapped his legs around Perry’s waist, urging him to move.  Perry did, setting a much slower pace than their first night together.  He lived for every sound that came from JD’s mouth, every gasp and whimper and all the soft moans that he’d never get enough of.  The feeling of JD wrapped around him so tightly that he was clinging to him made the ache in his chest disappear, if only for a little while. 

              They stayed that way for quite a while, with Perry keeping a perfectly measured pace.  He could sense that both of them were getting close, though they weren’t quite _there_ yet.  JD’s cock brushed against their stomachs with each thrust, the two of them pressed so tightly together that every movement sent a shiver up Perry’s spine.  He pulled back just far enough, breaking their kiss, to look at JD and watch his face.  That same sense of desperation he’d felt when JD arrived hit him again.

              “You are mine,” Perry whispered, “do you understand me?”

              “Yes,” JD gasped, his gaze locked on Perry’s. 

              “Say it,” Perry said, so desperate that he didn’t care if he was begging.  “I want to hear you say it.”

              “I’m yours,” JD breathed.  His voice was so sure, so genuine, that Perry didn’t doubt the truth behind it for a second.

              The end came quickly after that.  Both of them were working together as one, JD’s hips rolling up to meet Perry’s every thrust.  He felt JD tense up and listened as he whimpered Perry’s name, the mere sound setting off Perry’s own climax.  He let out a choked sob of a moan as he came, holding JD so tightly he wasn’t sure he’d ever let go.  Perry didn’t realize he was shaking after they had both finished until he rolled off JD.  He felt horribly vulnerable, but JD was instantly there, his arms wrapping around Perry even as he fought to catch his breath.  He didn’t care that they hadn’t cleaned up or that neither of them seemed to be able to form words.  All that mattered to him in that moment was that JD stayed, and he did.  He closed his eyes and felt the covers being pulled over him.  It had been too long since he felt at ease like this and he knew it was because of JD.  He was more grateful than he could express and soon fell asleep with JD’s arms still wrapped around him.

 

              Perry woke in the early morning, before the sun had risen.  Before he opened his eyes, he could sense JD’s warmth, hear the beating of his heart, feel the arm solidly laid over him.  He did not feel panicked or uncomfortable.  He felt quite the opposite; he felt much better than he had over the last few days and knew that it was all owed to the man lying beside him.  He was determined not to mess it up this time. 

              He shifted as carefully as he could while still keeping JD’s arm around him – it was a comfort he wasn’t going to deny himself.  JD made a soft noise and rubbed at Perry’s side before his eyes fluttered open.  Perry looked back at him in the darkness of his room, feeling as vulnerable as he had the night before, though it wasn’t as frightening this time.  He lifted a hand and carded his fingers through JD’s hair, their noses just inches away from brushing against each other.  After some time, JD scooted closer to Perry and kissed him softly.  He hummed against Perry’s lips before settling back down, his eyes closing as Perry continued to stroke his hair.

              “Can I ask you something?” JD whispered, his own arm still draped over Perry’s waist.

              Perry knew JD was going to try and breach more uncomfortable subjects, but he nodded.  For the same reason he called JD over the night before and the same reason he let JD hold him, he agreed to let him ask questions.  “Go ahead,” he murmured.

              “Why did you kick me out?” JD asked and Perry realized how much he had hurt the younger man in that moment.  “That first night?”

              “It’s a long story,” Perry sighed, knowing that if he wanted JD, he had to be honest with him.  At least in that moment, he was ready to be.  “Sure you’re up for it?”

              JD nodded in response, watching Perry intently.

              “Everything started when you came along,” Perry said simply.  “I – I couldn’t stop _thinking_ about you even when I wasn’t at work.  And at first, all it did was piss me off.  You were so damn frustrating all the time.  And then I saw you in the on-call room.  You were asleep and having a bad dream and all I wanted to do was comfort you, tell you it’d be okay and that everyone has a rough time when they’re an intern.  Feeling that… it was even more infuriating.

              “So I kissed you.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  I was confused after that, even more so.  JD, I – I’ve never even questioned that I was straight.  That’s… that’s the majority of the problem right there.  It’s confusing and I’ve never felt so goddamn scared in my entire life and it may surprise you, but I’m not exactly used to feeling like this.  That’s also why I kicked you out.  I woke up and you were _there_ and I couldn’t handle it.  It felt like too much too soon.  It wasn’t until these past few days, not seeing you, that I realized just how much I… care about you.  I know that doesn’t excuse everything I’ve done to you, but if you’re willing to be patient with me, then I’m willing to work on this.”

              JD had remained silent while Perry spoke, but Perry could tell his heart was hurting.  “Oh, Perry,” he finally sighed, running his hand over Perry’s side.  “I didn’t have any idea what you were going through.”

              “There’s no way you could’ve.  I hadn’t really planned on admitting it,” Perry said quietly.  There was a brief pause before he spoke again.  “You know, last night, I meant what I said.  About you being mine.”

              “I kind of figured that,” JD replied with a faint smile.

              “I don’t think I realized just how much I meant it until I said it, though.”

              “I always knew how much _I_ meant it,” JD told him and Perry realized why JD was so adamant about being around him.  “I’m yours, Perry.”

              Perry’s heart swelled at the declaration, which meant far more to him than he’d anticipated.  “Good to hear, Newbie,” he breathed.  “Real good.”  Perry shifted onto his back and opened his arms to JD, who eagerly moved forward and rested his head on Perry’s shoulder.

              “Just a couple more things,” JD said softly, tracing light patterns on Perry’s chest.  “That dream I had in the on-call room?”

              “Yeah?” Perry prompted, remembering the night well.

              “It – it was about you,” JD admitted.  “And I was kind of hoping that this meant you weren’t going to yell at me anymore or – or call me names.”

              Perry closed his eyes, feeling like an ass.  “I’m sorry, JD,” he said genuinely.  “Really, I am.  For everything I’ve put you through.  That’s done now, I swear.”

              “It’s okay,” JD said quickly.  “As long as it’s done, it’s in the past.”

              Perry lifted JD’s face to look into his eyes.  “Newbie, I just want to be good enough for you,” he whispered.

               He watched as JD’s expression took on a certain sadness, almost pity.  “You are,” he said firmly, though his voice was barely more than a whisper.  “You already are.  And I promise I’m going to do whatever I can to get you reinstated at the hospital.”

              “I appreciate the offer, but this is my battle to fight,” Perry told him.  “I brought it on myself, after all.”  He snorted then, laughing at his own thoughts.

              “What?” JD asked, his brows furrowing in confusion.

              “Just thinking how ironic it is that my only chance now is _Jordan,_ of all people,” Perry muttered, shaking his head.  “I’d sooner die than ask her for help, not that she’d be likely to give it to me anyway.”

              “We’ll figure something out, Perry,” JD promised, kissing Perry’s forehead before settling back down in his arms.  “I know we will.”


	7. I'm All Messed Up, I'm So Out of Line

JD had left Perry’s apartment early that afternoon, after the two of them spent the morning in bed.  They’d both fallen back to sleep after talking through what had been bothering Perry and when they woke again, they laid in each other’s arms, enjoying the ease with which they fit together.  Perry had been grateful that JD didn’t seem to want to break the silence with more conversation just then and spent the next hour or so pressing kisses to every inch of the younger man’s body.  His hands slid over JD’s skin, caressing him with a tenderness he reserved just for him.  For his part, JD had given as good as he got, proving to be a very generous lover.  Once they were sated, Perry tucked his head into the crook of JD’s neck, nosing at the soft patch of skin where it met JD’s shoulder and breathing in his scent.  The threat of his suspension becoming much more permanent suddenly didn’t seem so bad in that moment, but in reality he knew that he couldn’t spend every day this way.  He could dream, though.

              When JD left to go to work – he was scheduled for the night shift – Perry heaved himself out of bed and walked JD to the door, kissing him thoroughly before letting him leave.  No more than ten seconds later, JD threw the door back open and kissed Perry again before leaving for good.  It was with a lovesick smile on his face that Perry meandered into the kitchen to wash the dishes that had accumulated in the sink over the past several days.  He usually kept his apartment clean, but he hadn’t found much point in anything since his suspension began.  JD was changing that, helping him to find reasons to keep fighting and for that very reason, he appreciated JD even more. 

              Perry found himself admiring JD’s qualities that he’d previously found annoying.  His unbridled sense of optimism was more endearing than anything now, even if Perry couldn’t seem to understand how he stayed so positive.  For instance, JD had been so sure that Perry would be reinstated.  Perry, on the other hand, had a funny feeling that Kelso was going to do everything in his power to keep that from happening.  He felt like a prize idiot; he usually did, given that hindsight was 20/20.  If he’d kept his mouth shut about Kelso’s son or watched his back a little more, he wouldn’t be in this position.  Of course, Perry knew that there was no use in replaying his past actions.  It would only frustrate him more.  Now the matter was in the hands of the board and he’d have to accept whatever decision they made.  At least he knew JD would be by his side whatever the outcome.

              That evening, when Perry was settled down on the couch, his phone resting on the coffee table in front of him in the event JD should text him, he heard a knock at his door.  He certainly wasn’t expecting company, but he wouldn’t put it past JD to send Carla over to check on him or bring him real food given that he’d been largely subsisting on ham and cheese sandwiches.  He had just started to get off the couch when the door swung open and revealed his ex-wife in all her hellish glory.

              “Hi, Per,” she said, strolling in as though she owned the place.

              “Jordan,” Perry sighed, sitting back down and throwing his feet up on the coffee table to block her way through.  “To what do I owe the horror?”

              Jordan smirked as she walked around the coffee table and sat gracefully down on the couch, her long legs crossed.  “It’s been a while since our last tryst, hasn’t it?” she asked casually, arching an eyebrow at him before looking down and examining her manicured nails. 

              “Sure has,” Perry agreed.  “I plan to keep it that way, too.”

              “Oh, don’t try and tell me you haven’t missed me,” Jordan purred, sliding over toward him and hitching her dress up toward her hip.  “I happen to know you can’t resist a little roll around in the sheets.”

              Perry shook his head, ignoring Jordan’s advances, though he couldn’t help but look at the patch of skin revealed to him.  “I know you like to think you have some kind of power over me, but I make it a point _not_ to have sex with people who are half-human, half-dragon.”

              Jordan flashed him a smile.  “That might be true,” she acquiesced.  “Guess I just wanted to see if you only batted for the other team now or if you did a little flip-flopping.”

              Perry’s face went blank too quickly for him to try to mask his shock.  How could she possibly know?  He hadn’t told anyone and JD surely wouldn’t…  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muttered weakly.  He knew he wasn’t convincing at that Jordan wouldn’t believe him in the first place.

              “Oh, come on now, Perry, I thought we were honest with each other,” Jordan pressed, turning Perry’s face toward her with her fingers on his chin.  He resisted the urge to flinch away at her touch.  “You can tell me if you’ve been running around with that little intern with the hair.  What’s his name, DJ?”

              “Jordan, shut the hell up,” Perry snapped, pulling away from her.  “Get out.”

              “Just one more question,” Jordan insisted.  She was as calm and collected as ever.  “Do you love him?  Or is he just a good fuck?”

              Perry jumped up and pointed to the door.  “Get the hell out!” he barked, a muscle in his jaw jumping. 

              He hated the way Jordan grinned in response as she stood and sauntered toward the door.  “You can’t keep it a secret forever,” she said over her shoulder before shutting the door behind her. 

              Perry sunk back down onto the couch and let the wave of self-loathing and glass of scotch guide him through the long night ahead.

 

              By the time JD let himself into Perry’s apartment after his shift, Perry had gone through an entire bottle of scotch.  The alcohol did not numb the pain the way he wanted it to, and instead exacerbated his feelings of confusion, anger, and hatred for himself.  He hadn’t moved from the couch and hoped he’d end up passing out soon rather than be forced to deal with the thoughts that had been plaguing him all night. 

              JD was all smiles when he walked up to Perry, but in the light of the television, his face fell.  “Perry?” he asked, sounding concerned.  “Are you okay?”

              “Never better,” Perry mumbled, determinedly staring away from JD.

              “Perry,” JD said again, more insistently, “what’s going on?  Did something happen?”

              Perry did not answer, but JD followed his eyes as they flickered to the empty bottle laying on the coffee table.  “Did you drink all of this?” JD asked, picking it up.

              “So what if I did?” Perry growled, his words slurring just enough to be noticeable.  “Drunk a lot more than that before.”

              “Please talk to me,” JD pleaded, sitting down next to Perry.  “You don’t have to do this.”

              “Don’t have to do what, Priscilla?” Perry spat.  He did not miss the flash of hurt that crossed JD’s face.  “Just what exactly am I doing?”

              “Trying to push me away,” JD said after a deep breath.  “I care about you, Perry.  I’m just trying to help.”

              “I don’t need your help,” Perry said angrily, pushing himself up off the couch.  He swayed on his feet before finding his balance.  “I don’t need you!”

              JD blinked up at him, his hurt now plain on his face.  “I don’t understand,” he said softly.  “Last night…”

              “You are _nothing_ to me,” Perry continued.  It tore him apart even further, but JD would be much better off leaving Perry to deal with his own mess.  The only way to get him to realize it was to push him away, make him hate Perry just as much as Perry hated himself.  “You _mean nothing_ to me.  Might’ve been useful for a while, but you were never more than a good fuck.  The sooner you understand that, the better off you’ll be.  Now get the hell out of my apartment.”

              JD stood and faced Perry.  His voice shook when he spoke.  “No.  I’m not leaving you.”

              “What the hell is wrong with you?” Perry asked helplessly.  “I don’t want you here!”

              “I don’t care,” JD said, crossing his arms though he looked like he might cry.  “You need me here, whether you like it or not.  You’ll get through this, but this isn’t the way.”

              Perry surged forward and took JD’s face in his hands, looking at him imploringly.  “Damn it, why can’t you just be what I want you to be?” he asked weakly, searching JD’s eyes that were rapidly filling with tears.

              “I’m not a toy, Perry!” JD said in frustration, gripping Perry’s arms.  “I’m a person!  I don’t know what happened, but you have to let me in.  Please, just let me help you.”

              Perry slumped, letting his forehead fall against JD’s as his eyes closed.  “Why?” he whispered.  “Why do you care, Newbie?  You’d be better served if you just left me alone.”

              “Because,” JD murmured, lifting Perry’s face with his now-familiar gentle touch, “I care about you too much.  And I can see you’re hurting.  Just talk to me.  I’m not going _anywhere_ until you do.”

              Perry opened his eyes and watched as a few tears rolled down JD’s cheeks.  “I made you cry,” he mumbled, reaching forward with his thumb to brush away he tears.

              JD shook his head.  “It’s okay,” he said softly, though Perry could still hear the hurt in his voice.  “Please, Perry, you can’t keep pushing me away.  I want to be here, I want to help you through this, but I can’t do that if you won’t talk to me.”

              The fight went out of Perry then and he slowly lowered himself down onto the couch.  JD was there with him, sitting and letting Perry lay down, his head on JD’s lap.  He closed his eyes at the feeling of JD running his fingers through his hair.  They were both silent for a few moments and Perry tried to sift through his thoughts, foggy around the edges from the scotch.

              “Tell me what happened,” JD whispered again, his tone gentle as he continued stroking Perry’s hair.

              “Jordan was here,” Perry sighed.  He kept his eyes closed, and it helped to make the conversation feel less real.  “Tried to seduce me like usual.  I told her no.  Then she started asking about you.  Stuff about me batting for the other team.”

              JD sighed.  “I saw her when I got to the hospital,” he told Perry.  “Maybe twenty minutes after my shift started.  I – I asked her if she would help get you reinstated, since she’s on the board.  I know you said _you_ wouldn’t ask her for help, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t.  I didn’t tell her about us, of course, but she… she must’ve figured it out.  I’m so sorry.”

              “’S not your fault, Newbie,” Perry mumbled.  “Jordan’s going to do whatever Jordan wants to do.  Us men can’t do anything about it.  Learned that the hard way.”

              “Did you tell her that you were… having a hard time?” JD asked, his thumb brushing against the stubble on Perry’s cheek.

              Perry snorted.  “Yeah, right.  It wouldn’t do much good with someone like her.  Probably would have made it ten times worse.”

              “I’m sorry,” JD said again.  Perry could tell he was hurting _for_ him, which made him all the more appreciative of JD.  “Is there anything I can do to help you with this?”

              Perry was quiet for a while before he spoke again.  “What was it like for you?” he asked.  “When you realized you were… y’know.”

              “Attracted to men?” JD finished for him.  “I don’t know, _I_ felt okay with it, but it wasn’t exactly celebrated at my high school and in my hometown.”

              “What’d you do?”

              JD shrugged.  “Not much.  Went on a couple dates with a couple guys, none of which worked out.  My first kiss was pretty awful – I don’t think he really knew what to do – and I didn’t find anything serious until I came here for college.  It was so different.  People were more accepting here, which seemed to make all the difference.  I mean, the idea of a gay club was totally foreign to me.  But I made some friends there and I dated around… _slept_ around, too.  Not a ton, but I made up for the years I spent alone.”

              “Did you ever have doubts?” Perry asked, feeling a little more at ease as he listened to JD’s story.  “That maybe you were just kidding yourself?”

              “Of course I did,” JD said easily.  “I think most people do.  I freaked out a little right after the first time I had sex with another guy.  I mean, it wasn’t the best sex I ever had, but it hurt more than I thought it would even though the guy was super nice and careful, and I thought that if it hurt, that meant I didn’t like it.  We ended up going out again, and it was easier that time.  I realized that I _did_ like it and that I liked him.  I wasn’t lying to myself or trying to make myself do something I didn’t want to.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy, actually.  I wanted to be with him all the time and when we were together, we could hardly keep our hands off each other.”

              “Sounds familiar,” Perry murmured, glancing up at JD, who gave him a soft smile.

              “Yeah, I know.”

              “’M sorry, JD,” Perry said as he reached for the hand JD had resting at his side.  “Really.  I know I promised I’d be better and I haven’t done a good job of that so far.”

              “Just promise me,” JD said, squeezing Perry’s hand, “that the next time you feel scared or insecure or _anything_ , you’ll _talk_ to me.  You can’t keep doing this, trying to push me away.  I can’t keep going like that.”

              “I promise,” Perry said, hoping JD could tell how serious he was.  “God, I promise.”

              JD bent down and kissed Perry’s cheek.  “Got a big day tomorrow,” he murmured, resuming stroking Perry’s hair.  “Get some rest.”

              The thought hadn’t even occurred to Perry that his hearing was tomorrow.  “Thanks, Newbie,” he mumbled.  Because of JD, and not for the first time, Perry felt hopeful.


	8. Words Are So Easy to Say, But You've Got to Show Me Love

“You should definitely wear this one,” JD said, emerging from the walk-in closet with a suit that Perry hadn’t touched in years.  “Not too dressy, but it still shows that you care enough to be professional.”

              Perry managed a small smile from his seat on the edge of the bed.  “Gave this a little thought, did you?” he teased.  “Don’t you think I’ll be overdressed?”

              “What, were you planning on showing up in jeans and a t-shirt?” JD asked, raising his eyebrows.  “I’m not letting that happen, Perry, sorry.”

              “Fine,” Perry sighed.  “I’ll wear the damn suit.  I guess I can use all the help I can get, though I’m still not sure how my fashion choices apply to my ability to practice medicine.”

              JD rolled his eyes and unzipped the clear garment bag.  “Just trust me,” he insisted.  “The hearing will go fine.  I’m sure the board already knows you’re an ass, but they also know you’re the best doctor there.  They’d be silly not to reinstate you.”

              “I don’t know how you manage to be so optimistic, Newbie,” Perry mused, shaking his head.  “My career’s on the line because I pulled strings I shouldn’t have.  And even if that’s not the real reason Kelso was gunning for me in the first place, it’s still reason enough for the board to seriously consider terminating me, reputation be damned.”

              “You need to _relax_ ,” JD said firmly, climbing up on the bed.  He maneuvered behind Perry and began massaging at his neck and shoulders.  “Take some deep breaths and at least try to think positive.  Going in there thinking they’re going to fire you isn’t a good start.”

              Perry closed his eyes as he felt the tension begin to seep out of him.  “Too bad I can’t take you in there with me,” he mumbled.

              “I don’t plan on being anywhere except right outside the door,” JD told him, continuing to knead at Perry’s tense muscles.  “We can celebrate when they reinstate you.  Besides, I’ve missed that lab coat of yours.”

              Perry smiled.  “You have, huh?  Thought you would have hated that thing, associated it with me yelling at you.”

              “No,” JD said softly, “just reminds me of how dedicated and brilliant you are.  When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a doctor.  I wanted that white coat more than anything.  I wanted to be like you.  Still do.”

              Perry turned around on the bed to face JD and kissed his forehead.  “Very sweet of you, Newbie,” he murmured, running a hand over his arm.  “But I’m afraid neither Kelso nor the board would like to hear young doctors say they want to be like big, bad Dr. Cox.”

              “I don’t care,” JD maintained, giving Perry a warm, comforting smile.  “It’s the truth.”

              Perry smiled again, a little more ruefully this time.  “You’re too good for me,” he sighed, “you know that, don’t you?”

              “Not possible,” JD said brightly, leaning in to kiss Perry.  “Come on, now, you should get dressed.  Don’t want to be late.”

 

              JD’s level of optimism seemed only to grow when he and Perry got to the hospital.  Perry’s took a nosedive, descending into dread and worry that he’d really done it this time.  He was no stranger to getting in his own way, though he’d tried time and time again to get his act together.  It was never really a matter of playing by the rules because he _didn’t_ , not when it was in the best interest of his patients.  As a doctor, Perry’s patients _always_ came first and he didn’t see why they shouldn’t.  He and the powers that be seemed to have different definitions as to what that meant.

              JD walked closely beside Perry as they entered the hospital.  Perry’s mouth was pressed into a tight line and he knew he was radiating tension, but JD was doing his best to calm him without making anything between them obvious.  They walked in silence up to the boardroom, where they had to part ways.

              “Good luck,” JD said softly.  “It’ll all work out, I promise.”

              “Thanks, Newbie,” Perry said under his breath, wishing more than anything to kiss him in that moment.  He spotted Kelso lingering near the door, waiting for all the board members to arrive.  “I’m going to go talk to him.”

              “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” JD asked uncertainly, chewing on his bottom lip.  “You’re not going to antagonize him, are you?”

              “Just trust me,” Perry muttered, echoing JD’s words from earlier.  He left JD near the nurses’ station and strode over to Kelso.  “Bob,” he said in greeting, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible, “you have a second?”

              Kelso narrowed his eyes at Perry, but obligingly stepped off to the side.  “Come to use your remaining two minutes to beg for your job back?” he asked sarcastically.

              “No,” Perry said honestly, shaking his head.  “No.  I know my fate is in your hands, as it were, and that’s fine.  It is what it is and I’ll accept whatever decision the board makes.  I just wanted to apologize for what I said about your son.  I should have done this all along, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”  He paused to look over at JD, hesitated for a moment, and then waved him over. 

              JD walked over, his eyes widening in surprise and confusion when Perry circled an arm around his waist. 

              “I understand now,” Perry said simply as he ran his hand over the small of JD’s back.

              Kelso nodded slowly as he looked between the two of them and then gave Perry a grunt of acknowledgement, his expression unreadable.  Without another word, he walked into the boardroom and Perry glanced down at his watch.  “Worth a shot, right?” he offered, looking at JD.

              JD was smiling softly up at Perry with a proud warmth.  “You’ll do great,” he said, reaching up to give Perry a peck on the cheek.  “Go on.”

              Perry took a deep breath before leaving JD and heading into the boardroom where his fate at Sacred Heart would be decided.  The meeting began, and even if he had to, he wasn’t sure he could recall the details of what went on.  Jordan was there, seated at the far end of the table, though she didn’t even bother to look at him more than once or twice.  There was much debate about whether Perry’s actions were acceptable, but halfway through, Kelso interjected.

              “As the Chief of Medicine, I see no reason why Dr. Cox should not keep his position here at Sacred Heart,” he said, voice ringing with authority.  “He is an excellent, capable doctor and the hospital is happy to have him.  I therefore move to reinstate him, effective immediately.”

              “Seconded,” Jordan said, shooting Perry a look that he couldn’t quite decipher. 

              The meeting was over quickly after that, with a unanimous decision to reinstate Perry.  He would be back to work the next day as if nothing had ever happened.  In his head, it was all due to JD, who’d made all the difference in keeping him sane.  He walked out of the boardroom with a smile on his face, and was pleased to see JD leaning against a wall nearby.

              He straightened up immediately upon seeing Perry and gave him a brilliant smile.  “You’re back?” he asked hopefully.

              “I’m back, baby,” Perry laughed, walking up to JD and taking his face in his hands so he could kiss him properly.  He didn’t care who saw them, even though it turned out one of the nearby nurses was none other than Laverne.  The news of their kiss would spread around the hospital like wildfire and surely everyone would know before the hour was up.  “All thanks to you,” he said warmly once they pulled apart.

              JD looked sufficiently flushed when Perry pulled back far enough to see his face.  “I’m so proud of you,” he gushed, holding on tightly to Perry’s sides.  “And you really do look good in that suit.”

              Perry chuckled.  “Come on, kid,” he said, feeling as though nothing could dampen his spirits, “I’m taking you out to lunch to celebrate.”

              “Perry,” Jordan called as she strode up to them.  “I see the rumors are true.”

              Perry glanced over at JD, whose face had gone bright red.  He’d never seen JD that worked up, though he knew it was because Jordan had already caused trouble between them.  He placed a comforting arm around JD.  “I’m afraid I don’t know what rumors you’re referring to,” he said with a shrug.  “Haven’t exactly been in the hospital in the last week.”

              “You know _exactly_ what I mean,” Jordan insisted.  “You and your little protégé here.  I can’t believe you didn’t tell me when I stopped over.”

              Perry could practically feel JD shaking with annoyance and frustration.  It was endearing enough that it almost made him want to laugh.  As it was, nothing could ruin his mood now – he was bulletproof.  “Well, allow me to now, seeing as I’m in a much better place with it,” he said to Jordan, making it clear that her efforts had not been appreciated.  “JD and I are together and we’re very happy.  You’ll have to find someone else to sink your fangs into at night.  Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have other matters to attend to.”

              Without waiting for a response, Perry led JD away with a satisfaction that only came from besting his ex-wife.  He was still grinning even as they walked toward the exit, his arm draped around JD’s shoulders.

              “What other matters do we have to attend to?” JD asked, looking up at Perry.  “Or were you just saying that?”

              “Not at all,” Perry assured him.  “I figure you deserve a proper date, out in public.  We’ve spent too much time cooped up in my apartment.”

              JD smiled and leaned in to rest his head on Perry’s shoulder for a moment.  “I’d like that a lot,” he told Perry.  “Not that I mind spending time at your place.”

              Perry chuckled and pressed a kiss to the top of JD’s head just before they reached his vehicle.  “Doesn’t matter.  My treat,” he said firmly.  “Anywhere you want.”

 

              They ended up at a fifties-themed burger joint, of all places, though it didn’t surprise Perry all that much, given JD’s personality.  They were served by a blue-haired woman with a kind smile and a proclivity for winking.  She wore black-rimmed cat-shaped eyeglasses and had a pen tucked behind her ear, which she unsheathed like a weapon when she took their orders.  She called them “hon” and “doll” and Perry found himself laughing along with JD at two young children who were lip syncing _Great Balls of Fire_ with an unrivaled passion.  They both ordered burgers with a side of fries and sipped coke through a straw, all the while holding hands over top of the table.

              “Gotta say, I didn’t expect you to be this… open,” JD commented once they’d finished eating.  “I mean, I’m definitely not complaining, but this is… wow.”

              Perry smiled and squeezed JD’s hand.  “I didn’t expect it myself, to tell you the truth,” he admitted.  “But it seemed like the right thing to do and once I did it… it just made sense.”

              JD nodded.  “I get it,” he said, grinning.  “Hey, what should we call each other?”

              “Well, what are my options?” Perry asked curiously.

              “I don’t know,” JD said with a shrug, “we could do boyfriend, partner, guy-that-I-really-like-sleeping-with-and-also-have-feelings-for, but that one might be a little wordy.”

              Perry chuckled.  “Anything else?”

              “Significant other?” JD offered.

              “More like significant annoyance,” Perry teased, giving JD a wink.

              JD grinned and rolled his eyes.  “Very funny, Perry.  Go pay so we can get out of here.  I have big plans for your last night of freedom.”

              Perry arched his eyebrow at JD even as he got up and pulled out his wallet.  “What kind of plans?”

              JD mimed zipping his lips and throwing away the key.  “I’m not telling.  Let’s just go back to your place.”

              Perry was quick to pay – and leave a generous tip – and soon they were back on the road.

              By the time they got to his place, it was mid-afternoon.  It was funny to think that in barely more than twelve hours he’d be back to work.  He was looking forward to going back, but he’d miss spending so much time with JD.  He was confident they’d be able to balance it, though, especially since they were on firm footing now.

              “Go lay down,” JD directed Perry just moments after they got in the door.  “I’ll be in in a minute.”

              Perry’s brows furrowed, but he didn’t argue.  He had a funny feeling JD would make his waiting worthwhile.  He took care to hang his suit back up, leaving him in a plain white undershirt and his boxers.  He figured JD would appreciate him wearing fewer clothes, but enough for him to take off if he wanted to.  He sat down on his bed, leaning against the headboard, able to hear JD rummaging around in the bathroom.  What he could possibly be doing in there, Perry didn’t have any idea.

              Several minutes later, JD walked into the bedroom with a soft smile on his face.  He was blushing slightly, and Perry was pleased to see he’d stripped down to next to nothing as well.

              “What you got there?” Perry asked curiously as he strained to see what JD was carrying in his left hand.

              “Take your shirt off,” JD said smoothly, ignoring Perry’s question and deftly hiding the item behind his back.

              Perry shrugged to himself and did as he was told.  “Any further directions?” he asked with a smirk.

              “Lay down.  On your stomach.”

              Again, Perry obeyed, resting his forehead on his arms which were folded out in front of him.  “What’re you up to, Newbie?” he asked without turning his head as he felt JD climb up onto the bed.

              “Shh,” JD breathed, leaning down over Perry to press a kiss to the nape of his neck.  “Stop asking questions and just relax.”

              Perry sighed, but obediently shut his mouth, his eyes fluttering closed.  To him, it didn’t really matter _what_ JD was doing.  He trusted him implicitly.  He huffed out a breath when he felt something warm being spread over his back.  “Oh,” he murmured when JD’s hands began to move over his back, massaging him.  “Newbie, you don’t have to…”

              “I want to,” JD insisted, though his tone was gentle.  “It’s about time someone took care of you, Perry.”

              Perry hummed his acquiescence, not wanting to argue with JD.  He didn’t see the point; he just wasn’t used to being pampered.  It had been a long time since he’d had sex that wasn’t rough or hurried.  To have the luxury of slowing down and enjoying the moment with someone he truly loved being with… well, it was more than he’d ever dared to hope for.  He was content to stay in that moment forever with the way JD’s hands were kneading at his back, getting rid of all the tension that had been building up for years and years.

              “Where’d you learn how to do this?” Perry asked some time later, very nearly purring.  He’d all but melted into the bed, becoming pliant under JD’s skilled hands.

              “Not that hard,” JD commented, though Perry could hear the tinge of excitement in his voice at being praised.

              “Well, it feels fantastic,” Perry muttered, surprised he could still speak coherently.  “Whatever you’re doing… it’s working.”

              JD continued on after that so long that Perry lost track of time.  He’d almost fallen asleep when JD slowly came to a stop.  “Turn over for me,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss at Perry’s shoulder.

              Perry did so and forced his eyes open so he could see JD.  “Thanks,” he said softly, reaching up to cup JD’s cheek.  “You’re spoiling me.”

              JD smiled back at him.  “I wasn’t quite finished yet, if that’s all right with you.”

              Perry managed to raise his eyebrows.  “Oh no?” he asked.  “What else did you have planned?”

              JD began kissing down Perry’s chest, taking his sweet time, though Perry instantly realized what he was doing.  He knew there was no sense in protesting, given that JD was going to do whatever he wanted, but Perry didn’t want him to feel obligated.  Just as JD reached the waistband of Perry’s boxers, Perry grabbed his wrist.

              “JD, wait,” he said quickly, watching him closely. 

              JD paused, looking up at Perry expectantly.

              “Come here,” he murmured, opening his arms to JD.  “Just… come here.”

              The smile that spread onto JD’s face was one that Perry would never tire of seeing.  He crawled up Perry’s body and relaxed into his arms.  “I like this, too,” JD breathed.

              “Me too, angel,” Perry agreed, the pet name slipping out easily.  “We have all the time in the world for other things.”

              JD pressed a kiss to Perry’s neck where his face was buried.  “Softie,” he muttered with a small laugh.

              “You bet,” Perry chuckled.  “More than willing to admit it now.”


	9. I Feel So Good If I Just Say the Word

“Are you asleep?”

              “Do you think I’d be answering you if I was?”

              “You could be talking in your sleep.”

              “ _JD_.”  Perry opened his eyes and turned his head sideways to look at JD, who was lying next to him, flat on his back just as Perry was, a sheepish grin on his face.

              “Hi,” he said warmly.

              Perry couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he watched JD squirm slightly on the bed.  “Something the matter, Newbie?” he inquired politely.

              JD bit his lip and his eyes flickered down, drawing attention to the rather obvious situation that was plaguing him.  “I guess my massage was a little too good and you fell asleep and I… didn’t,” he said simply.

              Perry watched as a blush spread over JD’s cheeks, much to his entertainment.  “Could’ve just taken care of it yourself,” he replied teasingly.

              “ _Perry_ ,” JD whined, scooting closer to him.  “I wouldn’t have been able to stay quiet enough.  I would have woken you up anyway.”

              “That noisy, huh?” Perry chuckled, reaching out to run his hand along JD’s chest.

              “You know me,” JD answered, his breath coming a little faster, “can’t stay quiet.  Ever.”

              “I could always test you,” Perry mused, brushing the pad of his thumb over one of JD’s nipples.  “I bet you could be quiet if you really tried.”

              JD’s eyes widened in response and he licked his lips, arching into Perry’s touch.

              “However,” Perry quickly followed up, “I happen to enjoy hearing those gasps and moans of yours.  Especially when it’s my name coming out of your mouth, like I’m the only thing on your mind in that moment.”

              JD sucked in a sharp breath, hips inadvertently bucking forward at Perry’s words.  “That’s because you are,” he said.  “You’re the only thing I’m thinking of.”

              Just then, Perry smirked and pushed the blanket away, revealing JD’s body to him.  He looked gorgeous, his pale skin taking on the slightest pinkish hue and his cock very hard and resting against his stomach.  “Got yourself pretty worked up, don’t you?” Perry murmured, his voice dropping in pitch as he reached out to wrap his fingers around JD’s erection, feeling it twitch in his grasp. 

              JD let out a whimper of a moan, his eyes closing for a brief second.  “Please,” he said breathlessly as he tried to roll his hips up into Perry’s hand which fell away after too short a time.

              “Turn over,” Perry told him, having a much better idea than just a handjob.  JD deserved the best and even if Perry had very little experience with men, he knew how the human body worked and he had a general idea of how to put his ideas into practice.  “Go on,” he urged when JD gave him a questioning look.

              When the younger man was lying on his stomach, his face buried in a pillow, Perry settled behind him and ran his hands over the backs of his thighs up to his ass, digging his fingers in.  JD moaned softly, rolling his hips against the bed in search of friction.  Bracing himself, Perry leaned in and spread JD apart.  He seemed to realize what Perry was about to do and moaned again, more loudly, though Perry hadn’t done anything yet.  That alone made him more confident that he could do this and do it well.  Tentatively, he licked at JD, pressing the flat of his tongue against him.

              “Fuck,” JD gasped, gripping the pillow tightly.  “Whatever you do, don’t stop.”

              Perry had no plans of stopping and gradually shifted from long, slow licks to faster, probing movements, spreading JD even further apart with his hands.  The noises he was making had Perry’s cock leaking steadily, and if they were any indication, Perry was quite skilled at this task. 

              “Perry, oh god, Perry, don’t stop, please please please,” JD whimpered, grinding back against Perry’s mouth while simultaneously trying to thrust his hips down against the mattress. 

              Perry would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t otherwise occupied – like he’d _stop_ at a time like this.  Instead, he slid his hand down to wrap around JD’s cock, giving him something more substantial to thrust against.  Perry felt JD twitch hard in his grasp as he let out a low moan, the rhythm of his hips stuttering.  He continued licking at JD, feeling him alternate between relaxing and opening to him and tightening up, his entire body shaking and covered in a sheen of sweat. 

              A stream of curses fell from JD’s mouth along with Perry’s name – a sound Perry would never tire of hearing – and his cock spasmed and twitched in Perry’s fingers as he came.  Perry did not stop until JD settled against the bed, seeming not to care about the mess, and very nearly went limp.  Slowly, he pressed kisses up JD’s back, following his spine until he came to lay alongside him, considering just taking himself in hand.

              “Mmm,” JD hummed, turning his face, which was still resting against the pillow, to look at Perry.  “You’re amazing.”

              “Not bad for a first try, huh?” Perry asked, smiling back at the other man. 

              “Definitely not bad,” JD agreed, reaching over to run a finger over Perry’s cock.  “What about you?”

              Perry’s eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the simple touch.  “Kid, I don’t care _what_ you do as long as you do _something_.”

              “Duly noted,” JD said, his smile turning goofy, though endearing.  He moved closer then, and without warning, took Perry into his mouth, something he had not yet done. 

              “Oh, Jesus,” Perry groaned, his head falling back and knocking against the headboard.  He couldn’t have cared less as he reflexively threaded his fingers into JD’s hair, letting his hand rest there rather than guiding his movements.  He knew he wasn’t going to last long as it was, but he had a feeling that the sight of those lips wrapped around his cock would undo him more quickly than anything.  He was taken by surprise when JD took him in even further and hummed around his mouthful.  Perry’s eyes shot open and flickered down to JD, who was looking right back at him with those damn eyes… Fuck, he really wasn’t going to last.  JD seemed to understand that and even had the audacity to _wink_ at Perry as he began to move, his lips and tongue moving over Perry’s cock with an unexpected skill and ease that had Perry moaning and gasping with each new sensation.  He dared to glance down at JD once again and moaned low in his chest, his grip on JD’s hair tightening.

              “JD,” he choked out, “fuck, I’m – I’m gonna –”

              JD did not seem to need a warning that Perry was close and Perry quickly realized that JD intended to keep him as he finished.  It was more than Perry could handle and in mere moments, he was coming, hard and long, the force of it curling his toes and drawing a strangled cry of pure pleasure from his mouth.  JD’s movements did not cease until Perry had finished completely, just as Perry had done for him.  He moved to curl against Perry’s side as he came down, his chest heaving as he struggled to catch his breath.

              Perry was grateful for the warm weight of JD resting against him, and buried his face in the younger man’s hair, his eyes still closed.  JD wrapped an arm around Perry’s middle and snuggled closer to him.  “You’re amazing,” he whispered.

              “Could say the same about you,” Perry replied, still a little breathless.  “Thanks, kid.”

              JD smiled.  “We should both get some rest.  Tomorrow’s your first day back.”

              “Like I’d forgotten,” Perry chuckled.  “Too bad we don’t work the same shift, though.”

              “We’ll still see plenty of each other,” JD said through a yawn.  “Night, Perry.”

              “Goodnight, Newbie.”

 

              When Perry woke, it was to an empty bed and the aroma of fresh coffee flowing through his apartment.  He smiled to himself.  Today, he was going back to work, back to being a doctor, and he was getting to do it alongside the person he trusted more than anyone.  He drank the coffee JD had brewed gratefully, fully waking up before he showered and dressed.  It was then that he found a note on his dresser that read:

              “See you later!  -- JD”

              It was accompanied by a large heart that took up half the sheet of paper, striking Perry as _such_ a JD thing to do that he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.  Things were finally falling into place for him – for _them_ – and it almost felt too good to be true.  Good things didn’t seem to happen to Perry, or if they did, they never lasted long.  But this, what he and JD had, was good and he was determined that it _would_ last for a very long time.

              With that same smile, Perry strode into the ICU twenty minutes later.  He was riding this high for all it was worth and didn’t even mind all the strange looks he got when staff members saw his uncharacteristic grin.  If it was at all possible, Perry’s smile widened when he saw JD just leaving a patient’s room.

              “Newbie,” Perry said, sidling up to him, “I got your note.”

              JD nodded, his mouth pressed into a tight line.  “Yeah, I was hoping you would,” he said quietly, his eyes darting around them.

              Perry’s brows furrowed in confusion.  “Is everything all right?” he asked, gently putting a hand on JD’s shoulder.  To his utter surprise, JD shied away from the contact.

              “Can – can we just keep things… professional here?” he asked, avoiding Perry’s gaze.  “Please?”

              “I – yeah, of course,” Perry said after a moment, blinking in shock.  “Whatever you’re comfortable with, I guess.”

              “Great,” JD said quickly, still not meeting Perry’s eyes.  “Thanks.”

              “Yeah,” Perry said slowly.  “Do you have a second?  So we can talk?”

              “Actually, I have to go get some results from the lab,” JD said awkwardly.  “I’ll see you later.”

              Dumbfounded, and with his mood much lower than just minutes ago, Perry walked back toward the nurses’ station, grateful to find Carla there.

              “Thank god you’re here,” he muttered.  “What the hell is going on with JD?”

              Carla sighed and set aside her work for the moment.  “You better talk to him soon,” she informed Perry.  “From the moment he walked in the doors this morning, he’s been fielding questions about your sex life, your relationship, and more than once, I’ve heard people ask him if he’s crazy or just stupid.  He wouldn’t listen to a word I said.  You’re the only one who’ll get through to him, I think.”

              “You’ve _got_ to be kidding me,” Perry growled, his expression darkening. 

              “Where’d he run off to anyway?” Carla asked curiously.

              “Said he had to pick up some results from the lab.”

              Carla snorted.  “You really believe that?  He’s probably in the men’s room crying his eyes out.”

              Perry didn’t doubt that she was right.  “Thanks for letting me know,” he said before turning around and whistling shrilly.  “Listen up!” he barked, his anger obvious.  He had missed the way everyone responded immediately to him.  “If _any_ of you think that my relationships and what I do on my own time is _your_ business, you’ve got another thing coming.  I don’t want to hear another _word_ said to me or JD or _about_ either of us that isn’t strictly related to practicing medicine.  If I find out a single one of you has broken this new rule, I will make it my personal mission to make certain that you are very, _very_ sorry.  Am I understood?”

              There was a muttering of “Yes, Dr. Cox” before everyone broke away, hurrying off in every direction.  When Perry looked up, he saw JD standing in the doorway of the ICU.  Sure enough, his eyes were rimmed with red, but he gave Perry a small smile.  Perry strode over to him and slid an arm around his waist.

              “What happened to communicating with each other?” he asked jokingly. 

              JD blushed and wiped at his eyes.  “I know,” he mumbled.  “You’re right, but it was a lot to handle all at once and you weren’t here and I didn’t know what else to do –”

              “It’s all right,” Perry assured him.  “Hey, come on, kid, you’re fine.  If anything like this happens again, I want you to tell me, okay?  There’s no reason our private lives should be discussed by anyone but us.”

              JD nodded, clearing his throat.  “Promise,” he agreed.

              Perry pressed a kiss to JD’s forehead and rubbed his back.  “I’ve got your back,” he reminded him.  “Don’t forget that.”

              JD’s smile was more genuine that time.  “I won’t,” he said softly.  “I really should get to work now, but can we meet up for lunch?”

              “I’ll do my best,” Perry said warmly, offering JD an encouraging smile.  “Page me.”


	10. What We Have Is More Than Enough

              Two weeks had passed since Perry’s return to work and he’d picked up right where he’d left off.  Most never made mention that he’d even been gone, which he preferred.  He supposed that barking at them all on JD’s behalf had put them back in their places.  Still, it didn’t completely stop all the whispering and speculation that followed them around the hospital.  But Perry didn’t mind.  As long as JD was happy and knew how Perry felt about him, he didn’t care what people said about them.  From a pat on the shoulder to a quick kiss on the cheek, he made it a point to show JD some sort of affection when they were working together.  Their schedules lined up fairly well, and Perry suspected it was the handiwork of a certain nurse, but he knew Carla wouldn’t admit to it. 

              All things considered, things were going very well between Perry and JD.  More often than not, work schedules permitting, JD stayed over at Perry’s place.  Perry had already become accustomed to the warm, comfortable presence of JD beside him during the night and on the occasions where they couldn’t spend the night together, he found himself not sleeping quite as well, tossing restlessly for much of the night.

              They had both worked an early shift that day and both had the next day off, which was unprecedented as far as Perry was concerned, though he wasn’t complaining.  They’d eaten dinner together – ordered in, of course, since neither of them were very good cooks – and were lounging on the couch with reruns of _Friends_ playing softly on the TV. 

              “I’ve been thinking,” JD said after stretching luxuriously and yawning.

              “Sounds dangerous, but go on,” Perry replied with a wink.

              JD grinned and playfully narrowed his eyes at Perry, but didn’t comment on his retort.  “We haven’t had _the talk_ yet.  I think maybe we should.”

              “The talk?” Perry repeated.  “You can’t mean to tell me that your parents didn’t tell you all about the birds and the bees.”

              “Perry, come on,” JD said, elbowing Perry as he rolled his eyes at him.  “I’m being serious.”

              “All right, all right,” Perry sighed.  “If we must.”

              JD paused for a brief moment before taking a deep breath.  “I’ll go first, then,” he said with a weak smile.  “I – Perry, I _really_ like you and I think that this – whatever we have – could last for a long time.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen because, quite honestly, I’ve never felt this way about someone before.  I know I’m young, but I still know what I want and… and that’s you.”

              Perry’s expression softened as JD spoke, a small smile emerging onto his face.  “Same goes for me,” he said genuinely.  “I’ve already been trying to be better at the whole talking thing, be better at communicating.  I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past.  This means too much to me to throw it away on trivial things or things that could have been prevented.  I don’t say this lightly, JD, I hope you know that, but I can see spending the rest of my life with you.”

              JD’s eyes were shining, bright blue and warm, when Perry finished speaking.  “Yeah, me too,” he agreed with a wide smile.  “And for what it’s worth, I hope you know just how proud of you I am.  You’ve come so far in such a short amount of time, Perry.  I mean, when this all started… I kind of thought you were just using me.  Obviously, I didn’t know the whole story, but now that I do, it makes our relationship even more special to me because I _know_ how hard you’re trying.  It means the world to me.”

              Perry found himself getting lost in those eyes, something that happened rather frequently.  “Wouldn’t be where I am without you,” he reminded JD.  “You made all the difference, kid, don’t forget that.  You’ve been exactly what I needed you to be.”

              JD leaned into Perry’s chest and wrapped his arms tightly around his middle.  “I’m just glad you let me in,” he murmured.  “Glad you let me help.”

              Perry returned the embrace eagerly.  “And now I’m not letting you go _anywhere_.”

 

* * *

 

 

              _“Oh my god, Perry, would you knock it off?” JD managed between laughs, falling off the couch and onto the floor._

_“I just want a kiss,” Perry insisted, dropping down to the floor and scooting closer to JD._

_“Not with garlic breath!” JD cried, trying and failing to push Perry away.  “Don’t!”_

_“Aw, come on, Newbie, one little kiss?” Perry pressed, hovering over JD and pinning his arms to his sides._

_“Perry!” JD whined, squirming as he continued to laugh uncontrollably._

_“I just love you so much,” Perry chuckled, though the smile fled from his face when JD froze beneath him, his eyes going wide.  “What?  What is it?”_

_“You love me?” JD asked softly, voice full of wonder._

_Perry realized it was the first time he’d said the words out loud, though he’d been thinking of them for quite some time.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I do.  I love you.”_

_The resulting smile on JD’s face was blinding.  “Go brush your teeth and meet me in the bedroom.”_

_Perry grinned and rolled his eyes as he stood, leaving JD lying on the floor._

_“And Perry?” JD said, waiting for the older man to look back at him before he continued.  “I love you too.”_

* * *

 

_“So, what are you two lovebirds up to today?” Dan asked, vaulting over the back of Perry’s couch and dropping right in between JD and Perry._

_“Oh, you mean what were we_ going _to do today before you showed up without warning?” Perry asked, arching his eyebrow at Dan.  “Let’s see, I was planning to lock your brother up and keep him in my apartment against his will while I went to work for twelve hours.  Does that line up with your general idea of our relationship?”_

_Dan shrugged, popping open a beer can and flinging the tab over his shoulder.  “Old habits,” he said in explanation, causing JD to pinch the bridge of his nose.  “Well, let’s see.  From what I’ve heard from Christopher, you’re quite the hardass, Coxie, but if I take into account what Johnny’s told me – which, quite frankly, is far more than I’d ever need to know – you’re actually a big softie. So, you tell me.  Which is it?”_

_Perry sighed.  “You want the truth?” he asked, glancing over at JD as Dan nodded.  “I love your brother and Lord knows I’d do anything to keep him safe and happy.  And if that’s not a good enough answer for you, I don’t know what is because that’s all I got.”_

_Dan seemed to consider that as he took a swig of beer.  “Works for me,” he finally answered, winking at JD.  “You picked a good one, little brother.”_

_Perry couldn’t help but bark out a laugh at the look of utter shock on JD’s face or press down the sudden swell of pride that he’d done something right._

* * *

 

_The funeral had been torturous, but it was nothing compared to the aftermath of it, to the realization that Ben really was gone.  Perry would never see him again, would never hear him laugh or be subject to another candid flash of his camera.  He couldn’t bear to stick around after the service any longer than to give Jordan a quick hug and offer his condolences.  He couldn’t imagine what she was going through given that Ben was her brother.  They’d grown up together and, selfishly, he thought, she’d gotten more time with him._

_JD was there beside him the whole time.  He couldn’t put into words just how grateful he was, given that JD had become close with Ben over the last few years.  The first moment Perry and Ben had alone together after the latter had met JD, he’d given his seal of approval, which meant a great deal to Perry.  He already knew that he and JD were in this for the long run, but he’d always imagined Ben would be there at the ceremony if they chose to have one.  That couldn’t happen now._

_When they returned home, JD silently helped Perry out of his suit and brought him to bed.  He gathered Perry close, pulling him to his chest, and wrapped them up in a warm blanket.  He whispered soft assurances and words that were meant to comfort both_ _of them as he slowly rocked Perry back and forth.  Perry let his tears run freely, though he hardly made a sound.  Here, in their home, he didn’t have to worry what someone might think of him showing such emotion.  With JD, he could be completely vulnerable, a luxury that hadn’t been afforded to Perry throughout much of his life.  It would take time, a long time, to heal, but Perry knew that with JD in his corner, he’d make it through._

* * *

_“Can’t believe you’re dancing with me,” JD commented as he and Perry swayed to the rhythm of the music.  “We should alert the press.”_

_“Don’t push it, Newbie,” Perry warned, though he pulled JD a little closer.  “I think everyone’s used to seeing us obnoxiously in love, don’t you?”_

_“Probably,” JD allowed, giggling as Turk and Carla brushed past them, Carla looking more beautiful than they’d ever seen her, positively radiant in her wedding dress.  “Still, I think this is a milestone of some sort.”_

_“I won’t argue with you,” Perry chuckled.  “It’s getting pretty late, though.  I was thinking we could head out soon.”_

_“I’m okay with that,” JD agreed.  “This whole wedding thing is exhausting.”_

_Perry smiled and kissed the tip of JD’s nose, garnering a noise of exaggerated disgust from him.  “You’re ridiculous, you know that?” he teased.  “I’ll go pull the car around if you want to say goodbye to your_ other _boyfriend.”_

_“So much dancing in one night,” JD murmured, his head resting on Perry’s shoulder._

_They were in the middle of the living room with music playing softly from Perry’s stereo system, swaying slowly with little regard for whether or not the song was upbeat._

_“I can be romantic when I want,” Perry reminded JD.  “Still got a few tricks up my sleeve.”_

_“I definitely like it,” JD said warmly, sounding quite tired._

_“If you can stay awake for a few more minutes, there’s something I wanted to ask you,” Perry told him._

_“I think I can manage that,” JD said, lifting his head to look up at Perry.  “What’s up?”_

_Carefully, Perry untangled his arms from around JD and slowly lowered himself down onto one knee, the small box in his pocket suddenly weighing a ton.  JD gasped, and Perry watched as his eyes filled with tears.  Oh,_ Jesus _._

_“JD,” Perry started tremulously, “I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now and we’ve been together for almost three years…  I had a whole speech planned, but I can’t really remember what it was…  But the gist came down to wanting to be for the rest of our lives, so will you marry me?”_

_JD’s tears had long since overflowed and started streaming down his cheeks.  “God, Perry, of_ course _,” he gushed with a weak laugh.  “I can’t believe this.”_

_Perry stood and pulled the ring out of his pocket with shaking hands.  “Forgot this part,” he mumbled, clearing his throat.  “If you don’t like it, we can get something else, I really don’t mind.  I want it to be something you like –”_

_“It’s_ perfect _,” JD assured him in a thick voice as he held out his left hand.  “Put it on me?”_

_Perry did so, despite the fact that he was still shaking rather noticeably.  The moment the ring was on JD’s finger, he pulled JD’s face to his and kissed him deeply.  “I love you,” he whispered._

_JD nodded, wrapping his arms around Perry as tightly as he could.  “I love you so much,” he breathed.  “More than anything.”_

* * *

 

_“Perry?”_

_“What’s up, Newbie?” Perry answered, his cell phone wedged between his ear and his shoulder as he scribbled on a patient’s chart._

_“Can you come home, please?” JD asked and Perry detected that there was something ever-so-slightly off about his voice._

_“Is everything okay?” he asked slowly, placing his chart on the counter while Carla watched, suddenly concerned._

_“Dan’s here,” JD replied.  Perry could tell JD’s voice was forced, that there was something definitely wrong.  “He’s… uh… my dad died.”_

_Perry swallowed hard and shook his head as he gave Carla a significant glance.  “I’ll be home in a few minutes, all right?  How’re you holding up?”  He pulled the phone away from his ear long enough to mouth to Carla, “Cover my shift,” before catching the rest of JD’s sentence._

_“ – don’t really know how to feel right now,” JD was saying, his voice subdued.  “I just need you here.”_

_“I’ll be there soon, JD, I promise,” Perry said, his heart aching for his fiancé.  “Carla’s getting my shift covered, bless her heart, and I’m on my way to get my things right now.”_

_“Thanks,” JD said softly.  “I love you, Perry.”_

_“Love you too, kid,” Perry said tenderly.  He found he didn’t have it in him to shoot an annoyed glance at an intern who looked shocked to hear Perry say something so genuine and kind.  Clearly he hadn’t spent much time around Perry when JD was with him._

_They hung up and Perry raced home, driving as fast as he dared.  He trusted Carla to handle things with Kelso and let him know there’d been a death in the family.  That way, he could focus on being whatever JD needed him to be.  If that meant being a shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to, he’d do his best.  After all, JD’d done the same for him when Ben had passed.  He did his best not to think about that on the way home; he didn’t want to be reminded of the loss that he still had trouble with from time to time._

_When Perry reached the apartment, he braced himself for what he might find inside.  When he pushed open the door, he was rather surprised to see JD sitting alone on the couch.  He’d expected Dan to be in plain view, making some sort of disturbance or destroying the apartment in one way or another – it wouldn’t be the first time.  Instead, Dan was nowhere to be seen, which Perry supposed was preferable.  JD, however, looked miserable.  He was not crying, but the expression on his face broke Perry’s heart.  His eyes were filled with an indescribable sadness and his mouth was twisted into a deep frown.  He looked much younger than he was in that moment, his arms wrapped around himself._

_“Oh, Newbie,” Perry murmured, hurrying over to JD’s side.  “I’m so sorry.”_

_“Thanks for coming home,” JD said quietly, reflexively leaning in toward Perry, who was more than ready to receive the younger man into his arms._

_“Is there anything I can do?” Perry asked, rocking JD back and forth._

_“I just can’t believe he’s really gone,” JD whispered, wrapping his arms around Perry’s neck as if to anchor himself.  “He won’t be at the wedding –”_

_Perry held JD tightly as his voice broke off.  In truth, he was surprised it had taken this long for JD to cry.  He’d expected to come home and find him in tears, but he supposed it hadn’t quite sunken in.  He wasn’t sure of what to say, of how to alleviate such a painful realization.  He’d had the same one after Ben’s death, but they hadn’t been engaged then.  Their rings, though mostly symbolic, seemed to make things that much more real._

_“I know,” Perry breathed.  “I know, angel.”  There was nothing else he could say other than to let JD know that he understood, that he could relate to his pain._

_“I’m gonna miss him so much,” JD said thickly, burying his face against Perry’s neck, letting his tears fall onto the pristine lab coat that Perry’d forgotten to take off in his haste.  “I wish he’d known you better.”_

_Perry wished that, too, having only met JD’s father twice in the last four years.  “He was so proud of you, JD,” he said quietly.  “He loved you so much.  Told me so.  And he asked me to take care of you, so I’m going to do just that, all right?”_

_JD cried a little harder at that, making pitiful sounds as he tried to be quiet, sniffling and sobbing.  Perry couldn’t have cared less about the tearstains on his coat.  The only thing on his mind was that there was nothing he could do to take away JD’s pain.  This was something he had to go through in one way or another.  If it was crying that helped, then Perry would let him cry.  It didn’t stop his heart from breaking every time JD made a noise or shook in his arms._

_“I love you,” Perry whispered.  “You’re going to be okay, JD, I promise.”_

_It was a few moments before JD replied, his voice barely audible.  “I love you.”_

* * *

 

_It had taken a year and a half, full of ups and downs and some unexpected twists and turns, but the day had finally come.  It felt bittersweet for some strange reason.  They’d just lost Mrs. Wilk less than a week ago, but some of her last words had continued to ring in Perry’s head: “Be good to each other.  That way you’ll never be alone.”  He would have liked to have her there, seated among the other guests, or at the very least on the road to recovery back at the hospital, but fate had had its own plans.  He considered himself lucky just to have known her._

_Her words were still floating in Perry’s head, though in the very back of his mind, as he looked at the man before him.  JD looked nothing short of stunning, with his hair artfully disheveled and a warm smile on his face that traveled into his bright, shining eyes.  Perry brushed his thumb over top of JD’s hand, the rest of the world slipping away for a few precious moments.  He took a deep breath before their officiant began to speak and realized that there was nothing else he could possibly do in his life that would come close to the magnitude of what they were doing here._

_It didn’t matter much to Perry that there were people who wouldn’t approve or people who actively tried to stop weddings like theirs from happening.  The only thing that mattered to him, at least in that moment, was that JD was looking at him the way he always did: with a warmth and overwhelming devotion that told Perry he’d never have to worry about being alone.  He thought, as he smiled back at JD and squeezed his hands, that Mrs. Wilk would have liked that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this fic! This is the final chapter - how bittersweet!! I've been wanting to do something like this type of ending for a while and felt this worked well. Let me know your thoughts and be on the lookout for new fics and oneshots!


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